High Tolerance

I have been known as one of the people who has high pain tolerance.

When someone asks me if I think something is painful, my answer would usually be ‘not really’ although others who went on the same thing would say otherwise. Hence, it’s been a common knowledge among my family and friends that my words on certain things like pain are simply unreliable.

Now that I think about it, I just realised that maybe that’s just the way my brain works. It is somehow wired to compare every bad things or experiences with ‘what could have been worse’. And that is also why I rarely cry in general.

A few days ago, I finally made a promise to myself to let go of the guy I have been talking about a couple posts ago. When I look back, I just realise how this high pain tolerance of mine actually applies to my emotion too. That is why no matter how many times this guy had disappointed and left me, I would always give him second, third and fourth chances.

My brain somehow thinks that there’s always a possibility that this guy will change and that this time he will not leave me. But then again, it’s been the fifth time and I finally accept  the fact that I am partly at fault here as I am the dumb person who’s always been there to accept him when he needs a rebound regardless of his continuous lies.

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The pain caused by this repetitive cycle is not only because he makes me feel like I am inadequate, but also unworthy to accept love. I hate this feeling and it is indeed my fault to let anyone make me feel like this.

So, what I’m trying to say is that although having a high pain tolerance may sounds great as it makes you look tough and everything, sometimes it is okay to show your weakness and admit that you are hurt. That way you can see which part of the experience could make you grow into a better and stronger person.

May this be my very last post about this guy.

See you Mr. Pig.

 

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In Love With The Housemate

Hellooo!

In this post, I’m going to write a review about the kdrama I just finished, ‘Because This Is My First Life‘.

First off, I’m gonna say that I LOVE this series. It’s so light and fluffy but relatable and plausible at the same time. What I love most about this series is the fact that the writer did not add any unnecessary dramas to the story although I believe they could’ve done that if they wanted. HAHAHA.

OH! And the character development throughout the 16 episodes is just wonderful and palpable.

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So basically, the story is about a girl who has grown tired of living with her family as she’s always been undermined and mistreated as she grew, and a guy who had a painful past which made him decide to invest all of his money to buy a house he can’t afford, making him a ‘house poor’. These two people managed to arrange a deal where the girl finally got a home and the guy earned his rent fee to finish his loan for the house. However, because it doesn’t seem right for a guy and a girl to simply live together without having certain relationship, they decided to get married under a contract.

Oh and as usual, the romance starts to bud and flourish. I really enjoyed how they managed to preserve the strict and expressionless character of Se Hee (the guy) from the beginning to the end which adds a sprinkle of humour to the otherwise quite frustrating character. Even the side characters who are Ji Ho’s (the girl) best friends were all so well written and thoroughly thought of.

However, I think what makes this series really good is how they frame the conflict in a way that we could understand the struggle of each character in defining their relationships. I mean, there’s one with the parents, one with the 7-year boyfriend, the crush and one with the husband.

Oh my. I just can’t elaborate further than this piece as you guys really need to start watching this series to understand! HAHAH.

Cheers! 🙂

A Game Plan

Recently, I have been struggling with myself to stop investing so much time thinking about this one guy whom I know will not be my end game.

I honestly do not know if I will ever be able to stop before I find someone new. Nonetheless, I am writing this post to remind and reason with myself to wake up from this illusion of ‘love’.

The other day, I watched this video by Domics (a youtuber whose animation videos are always so hilarious, expressive and somewhat relatable) about the signs of toxic relationships and why people should be aware of this and just end it once they know it is not a healthy one.

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My relationship with this guy is not even official, but we have been pulling and pushing for several years. Like I mean, isn’t that fact alone enough to categorise whatever this is as not simply a fling? Although I would not deny my attraction to him, the fact that I live far away from him actually helps me contain all my weird thoughts and feelings. There are times when we would talk to each other everyday, almost every minute, but then he would usually vanish without any news at all for several months before coming back just like nothing had happened.

I just hate the fact that I always end up being the one who hurts the most, missing him more than I should although he was the one who started it all. Isn’t he supposed to be the one who suffer more? HAHA petty I know. This cycle has repeated itself for so many times that I actually want to prepare myself this time now that I know the pattern.

If you have ever experienced this, ask this set of questions to yourself whenever you find your heart starting to catch feelings for this unreliable human being.

  1. Can you see yourself being with this person in the future? Does his plans, core values and principles align with yours? Or at least can you see yourself being part of the future he envisioned?
  2. Are you willing to introduce him to your friends and family? Are you confident enough to tell them that he would be the one whom you’d spend your future with?
  3. Lastly, do you like yourself when you’re around him?

Reminding myself of these points always bring my feet back to the ground. Although it is hard to detach myself from this ‘habit’, I always try to remember that I should respect myself more and that I deserve someone who would invest in me as much as I am willing to invest to someone that I love. Definitely not an easy task to do especially for someone like me who can easily misinterpret awe into love. HAHAHA.

Sorry for the long rant and blabbering, I wrote this post mainly just for me, but if you find this to be relatable to you I would be glad to hear all about it.

Cheers! 🙂

i like you

I like you.

I guess I like you a lot.

My mind keeps saying no, my mouth keeps forming sentences to convince me how incompatible we would be as a pair, but my heart keeps pulling me back to you.

I have tried so hard to stay away from you and your charm, but one word from you always shakes the wall that I have been trying hard to build over the years.

You come and go just like that; going away when there’s another girl and you conveniently come find me when she’s gone.

What am I to you? Probably just some kind of a cushion of comfort with whom you can get all the perks of having a girlfriend without having to commit to its title.

My friends who know me well would know how far off you are from what I imagined my future companion would be. Even my objective side would second that. But I just cannot seem to manage to say no to your invitations for some ice cream or late night strolls.

I would try to justify my choice by saying that I am just entertaining myself by fooling around with you although I know myself too well to realise how ridiculous that thought sounds. I know for sure that I will be deeply attached to you in no time, and my heart will break for the umpteenth time when you find another girl.

But oh well, what is life without a few drops of tears.

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I’m gonna be a better parent than my mom and/or dad.

Most of us (if not all) must have had thought about this sentence before. For me, I frequently catch myself thinking this when I’m in the middle of an argument with my parents or when I saw them doing certain things that I don’t quite approve of. I don’t know, sometimes I feel so snobbish to think that I can do things better than my parents. But it is true that there are certain things that I think I would not do if I were in their position. My thought and optimism to be a ‘better’ parent someday has not been budged until recently.

This semester, I have been learning about the concepts of childhood as my university breadth subject. It taught me that the way we conceptualize children hugely affects the way we interact and treat them. I was not aware of this fact until I was exposed to these different concepts such as children as innocent beings, evil beings, as agents, and so many other things. Such a random subject to take, I know. But surprisingly I learned so much from this subject especially as it forced me to look back to how I was brought up and how my own childhood had been.

And to be honest, I just realized that I could not ask for a better childhood.

Maybe for some people my childhood might seems to be exactly the same to that of a typical mundane Asian kid. However, now that I know how complex of a matter it is to bring up a kid and how different things we do might affect major things in their growth or even the way they perceive themselves, I couldn’t help but to feel extremely thankful to my parents for treating me in such ways that I grow up well without having any major problems.

I remembered how my parents had let me explore all my interests, encouraged me to join various extracurricular classes like piano, guitar, bass, clay-making, drawing, cooking, sewing, and so many other things that I might have forgotten some of them. They taught me so much about how to be a good and functional person both from their words and their actions. And of course, one of the fundamental things they managed to give me that actually shaped the way I am today is the lesson of love. I know it is cliche, but that truly is the one thing I am eternally grateful for from growing up as their kid. Living in this world which is full of demands and expectations is hard especially when you have tried your best and you realized sometimes you’re still not good enough. Ever since I was a kid, my parents never actually pushed me to be number one or anything. They just wanted me to do my best. And when I came home failing, they are still there to hug and accept me.

This realization of how there are so many kids out there who had to grow up without this kind of safe haven forced me to rethink the way I see my parents. Probably the issue here is how I kept on focusing on their faults instead of the things they did right. Or maybe, this is all just a trick done by my brain and the memories I looked back to have all been modified and romanticized that I think of my childhood as the best one although maybe at that time I was not thinking of it this way. I don’t know. I feel like from joining this class I get to reflect on my childhood, how I have taken some things in my life for granted and how not ready I am to have my own kids. HAHAHA.

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Cheers! 🙂

Keep Going!

These two words are written in my lock screen these days.

One of my tutors once said that your phone wallpaper represents the things that inspire you the most and I think lately I just need a reminder that I have to keep going.

Keep going to lectures, keep making models, keep writing essays, keep trying to smile and be positive, keep trying to stick to the schedule I made, keep trying to live healthier, etc etc.

Throughout my journey in University so far, I know now that within a semester, week 9 and 10 are the humps – just like Wednesdays. Exam period is around the corner, deadlines start to haunt you, final projects are coming and it is extremely easy to get lost and stressed during this period. I even bought myself a book about positive psychology a few weeks ago just to help me find some ways to elevate my constantly down mood.

And now I want to share the 3 interventions I learned that had been working on me (most of the time). Well because some bad days are just bad. HAHAHA.

  1. Exercise
    • I just don’t know why, but exercising really helps me erase my bad thoughts. It’s just amazing how I could go down to the gym complaining, and finish happily. Well maybe not HAPPY but at least I feel refreshed. Just spend at least 30 minutes walking or running, and you’ll feel better. This also works even when you’re having your PMS or ‘.’!
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  2. Write 3 things you are grateful for that day
    • I am struggling in disciplining myself to do this everyday. Because sometimes you just forget or too tired to even take your cellphone that lies all the way there when you’re already snuggling with your pillow. But doing this really does make me feel better, because we are too accustomed to find ‘what went wrong’ instead of being grateful for the things that actually ‘went right’. So, doing this exercise would definitely train our brains to shift the focus: from only seeing the bad to finding blessings in everything.
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  3. Watch your favorite video or series
    • For me, this would be Gilmore Girls. I have been absolutely addicted to this series. I have re-watched the last three seasons of this series for about 4-5 times now (and this number is growing fast) just because I love watching Logan Huntzberger (Yes. I adore this character a little bit too much that I slowly memorize each and every one of his line). Watching Logan after a long day at Uni definitely help me take my mind off of the things I’m stressed at. Hence, I think you should always spare 1-2 hours doing the things that makes you happy everyday (including watching GG over and over again HAHAH).
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I’m not saying that I always know what to do when I’m stressed or anything, I’m writing this post just to let you know that if you feel the same way that I do, you are not alone. I experience that too sometimes and these are the things I do that usually help me cope with my thoughts and anxiety. Because sometimes you just need a break.

However, don’t forget that doing these things will not finish your job. You still have to do them eventually.

In addition to this, there is one verse from the Bible that speaks to me these days, that is from Matthew 6:34.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

May all of us be strengthen in facing our worries.

Cheers! 🙂

 

 

Why are You Single?

This is an essay, a thorough explanation about my view about love and romantic relationships. I did not write this for anyone but myself, to help me reflect and actually understand what I’m actually looking for in a relationship.

Everytime I go back to my hometown during summer holiday or winter breaks, some of my relatives will regularly ask me about whether or not I have a boyfriend. I’m not sure what answer they’re actually waiting for me to say and what they’re gonna do about either of the answers, but I always say no (well at least until now). Then, the question ‘Why?’ always follows my answer. Most of the time, I’d answer with jokes such as: ‘Ah yeah, my boyfriend is too busy being an actor in South Korea, we’ve been in a long distance relationship’ or maybe some other silly answers which implies that I just don’t have a boyfriend for whatever reason it is.

But to be honest, it’s not like I don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s just that I haven’t found the one. Of course, everytime I say that cliche sentence, people would say ‘Oh my, don’t be so picky laa’. And this is the part where most people misunderstand. How can I be picky when there’s literally nothing to be picked? 

Some people think that it is okay to try being in any kind of relationship just to have some ‘experience’. Is that what people are actually expecting from me? To be ‘less picky’ and just date whoever shows any kind of attraction to my relatively unusual self?

Those concepts are hard for me to grasp because I have always had all these preconceptions about how I’m going to live my life. I’m not too sure if I got them from my parents or from listening to what my society thinks as the ‘right’ pathway in life, but I slowly regard them as goals and I will try to elaborate them as concise as I can.

Firstly, I frankly think that if two individuals have committed to be in a relationship, they should fight for it and strive to make it work. I’m not sure how other people can actually start a relationship regardless of the fact that it may never work out. Some may think that all those big hurdles are ‘testing’ their love, but for me it is not like that. I have always believed that if two people were meant to be, everything (like literally) will fall into its place perfectly, as if the universe too were giving its approval to your union. You should not have to work that hard for something that’s meant to be. That’s why it is called ‘meant to be’ and not ‘forced to be’. Plus, I think having more ‘experience’ being in a relationship does not always mean that you’ll find a better match. So please, if you want me to be happy, pray for me instead of judging my relationship status and decisions.

Secondly, I don’t really have time. I’m the type of girl who goes all-in in a relationship. I don’t do ‘knee-deep’. It’s either diving or I’m on the shore. Hence the idea of having to nurture a relationship while maintaining the required focus to graduate architecture school is already challenging for me. Sometimes I even think that maybe this ‘arrangement’ that I’m living in is a blessing from God so that I have my priorities in the right order although I won’t deny that sometimes it does get a little lonely especially when you’re so stressed with school and basically everything that you start longing for a partner (other than your bestfriends) to be there for you.

Lastly, I find it harder for me to see future with the guys in my circle at this very moment. Most of them are of my age and we don’t really think about future and all those stuff yet. Maybe this may sound weird to some of you, but whenever I’m attracted to a guy, I will definitely try picturing a life with him in the future. So scary right? But I will not deny it. And to be honest, I rarely find guys of my age (especially in my current friendship scoop) with the clear vision and ambition that I would love to see in a man whom I might spend 3/4 of my life with. And no, it’s not because I set too high of an expectation for a guy. Because although I watch a whole lot of chick flicks and romantic TV series, I know that all those lovey dovey things I enjoy watching are not realistic. Moreover, at least now I can clearly distinguish the realistic kind of love and the Movie-inspired ones. I never expect my future partner to be or do anything resembling things depicted in movies. I’m only looking for a friend who is willing to walk beside me and who is willing to grow and thrive together with me in all aspects of life. 

So, maybe these are some honest points on why I’m not in a relationship right at the moment. Hahahhaha. Sorry for the long post, I’m just spilling out my thoughts.

Cheers! 🙂

Goblin! It’s Goblin!

Let me just say this in the beginning.

GOBLIN ROCKS!

Today happens to be the day when they released the last two episodes and I watched them all un-subbed, 30 minutes after their release in Korea (that’s how obsessed I am). If you haven’t watched them, I’m telling you that it’s GREAT!

I don’t know how to express this feeling I’m experiencing right now.

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I mean, I know this drama has received so much hype since their very first episode. But since the Descendants of The Sun, I have become more and more skeptical of this writer whom everybody claims as the best kdama writer ever. Because I found (roughly) 3/5 of her dramas to be really weird (as in a bad way) regardless of their exceptional casts.

But then, there’s Goblin.

I love them all.

I love the casts, I love the way they took the shoots (all oh-so-instagram-able), and of course, I love the intricate plot (like seriously, so complicated that I even had to make my own theories throughout the series). There are some episodes where they take you on an emotional roller coaster ride, that even my brother shook his head.

Up to the 13th episode, I was all doubtful of whether or not they can pull off a great ending to this extreme story line. And I was so thankful that they managed to put a bow in the show. Love. Love it.

So, this series is about a cursed goblin who needs to find his bride in order to end his eternal life. He’s lived for 900 years and finally, he found the bride and that’s where the story begins. And there’s also the second couple story line, which is very tragic. What’s more to this is how all of them are related so closely to each other from both their current and past lives.  OH! And don’t forget the uber cute bromance of the male leads! Omg. Yasssss.

Although the overarching theme of this series is quite depressing and sad (seriously, tears everywhere until the last episode), I would still strongly recommend you all to watch this! However, you should be prepared for the surprises and shock while watching them.

Just watch it! 🙂

2017!

Oh my. It’s 2017!

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This is my first post this year and I would like to use it to revisit my 2016 resolutions and share with you guys my new ones.

7b6e49d4619dbe547ee6feb85ea224e3As for my 2016 resolutions, I think I did not do that well on the first goal I made for myself, which is to take care of my body. I tried so hard to control my appetite and do as much exercise as I could possibly fit in to my schedule throughout the year. However, maybe I did not quite succeed because at the back of my mind I always think that as long as I can still wear my old clothes, then it means I’m still on track. WHICH IS NOT TRUE AHAHHA.

Anyway, for the other two resolutions, I think I did alright. I joined several organizations last year where I met new people and ergo, managed to socialize more than I did on 2015. WOOHOO! I also did my best to not really think about what others perceive about me although this particular resolution is harder for me to evaluate.

2016 had been a really challenging year for me.

I was so pumped in the first half of the year that I felt like I could overcome everything thrown at my face. But then it all went down as the summer in Melbourne comes along. I know that this may sound weird for some of you, but my mind started to think about all the plans I could make for the vacation and how I deserved some rewards for all the hard work I did from the beginning of the year. Hence, I even flunked my exam and I turned into a complaining machine that could not be satisfied with whatever she had.

No good, people. No good.

Therefore, my 3 new year’s resolutions for 2017 are the following:

  1. To try my best not to complain too much
    • Complaining about things is so easy for me. Like seriously, if I had nothing else to talk about, I could go on and on about how fat I am, how busy I am, how sleepy I am and even how I hate myself for not having motivation to do anything. HAHAHA. Horrible.
    • When I look back to what I said to people around me most of the time, I would find my memory directing me to see how restless and ungrateful I was. Thus, it is imperative for me to change this crazy bish into a more grateful and pleasant person who knows how to see the good in everything.
    • I will keep on track with this resolution by counting how many times I complain at the end of every day and think of 3 things I am grateful for afterwards, to balance out my bad energy.

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  1. To EXCEL
    • The next one is to feed off my ambitious self. As I told you guys before, I just had a major crisis on my academic life. Hence, I would rectify the situation as soon as possible by turning on my ‘No Joke’ switch throughout the year.
    • I vow to do my best academically and to achieve as high as I could this year, no matter how hard or challenging it may get for me to manage my time to study and to do my extracurricular activities (organization, ministry, health, social life, etc etc)

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  1. To be a better listener
    • I think I have shared somewhere in this blog that I am quite a talker. I talk and talk and I listen less. Usually it is because most of the time, my mind won’t just shut up even when I am with other person. My mind would wander and eventually I would end up thinking about MY problems and not whatever it is my company was telling me. So bad.
    • So, for my last resolution this year, I would definitely and consciously try my best to be in the moment whenever I’m listening to someone else’s problems or stories. Moreover, because I talk much, I know how annoying it is to not be listened to when I’m ranting. HAHAH.

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That’s it! I hope this year would be better for me and for you. 🙂

 

It Ends With Us

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  • Title: It Ends With Us
  • Author: Colleen Hoover
  • Genre: Romance
  • Rating: 4/5
  • Synopsis:

The story is about a girl (Lily Bloom) and a guy (Ryle Kincaid) who both have traumatic pasts which had become part of who they were, falling in love to each other without knowing how their personalities are somewhat contradictory to each other.

  • Review:

OMG. This book is soooo intense. Literally. We met the guy right on the first chapter where he said that he wanted to have a one night stand with the girl he just met. Like whaaaat? But I think the straight-forwardness of this book is what makes the story even more enticing. I finished this book in one seating because I could not put it down. It’s crazy. Especially because I have not been interested to read recently.

The romance part in the present and the past I got to experience in this book were exceptionally well written and interesting. Like the whole process of how Ryle tried so hard to resist the change he had since he met Lily and how she was so mesmerized by Ryle’s charm that she tried to overlook all his flaws. But still in the end, you cannot change the core of a person no matter how much you love him/her.

The best part of this book, however, is the way Hoover created the characters with such complexities that I could not blame anyone for whatever things happened in the story. It is well justified and I think that is one criteria a great book must have.

Although I understand the reasons and situations of both main characters, I still felt bad that they did not end up together. Still, the plot twist in the epilogue definitely lifted up the mood of the whole story.

Overall, I love this book and I would definitely recommend for you guys to read it in your free time! 🙂