The Plant

In a land far far away, there was this little girl who had such a wide, fertile field. She wanted to use the land for something useful and give back to others. So she asked people around her to plant some seeds there. Her parents, brothers, and friends all planted some seeds. Some grew beautifully because these people she let in water and take care of the plants carefully, so that it wouldn’t hurt the field. But some also withered.

One day, she started realizing that she wanted to grow a huge, center-piece tree in the middle of her field where she could rest upon when she felt tired and the one that would shelter her from the heat of the sun. But she did not have the seed.

So she searched for it. She then met a person who gave her a seed, but the seed was too young, it couldn’t grow well.

Then along the way, she met someone who has been really persistent wanting to give her a seed for years. Her family and friends have kept telling her that his seed was poisonous and might ruin her soil. But after years and years of asking, finally the girl cave in and let the guy plant his seed. But it turned out that the seed was indeed poisonous. It ruined the soil, the seed was not even growing and it almost ruined the roots of her other plants which was grown by her family and friends. The guy did not even care and so she took the seed away and threw it out. But the soil was still left broken and sick.

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After awhile, the soil got thicker and healthier. She then found this new guy from far away land. A land she have only heard of. The guy offered his seed to the girl. But because of her latest failure, she couldn’t trust the guy too fast. Because she knew that if the soil got ruined once again, it might not be able to recover as fast. So she tried hard to be careful with the new seed and the new guy although from what she could see, the guy seemed really genuine and his seed was healthy too. The guy came often to check up on the seed she left with the girl, and when he did, he came to water all the growing plants in the field too even if they were not even his.

The girl kept asking the guy if the seed was fine and that he’d come often to water the plant with her. Maybe she asked too much that it reached the point where the guy started to wonder what else he could do to convince the girl. At one point, the guy gave the girl a knife to open the seed pocket and see by herself if it was good. But if it is opened before its planted, it may not produce the best plant. So she could not do that even if he forced her to. And now she ended up feeling upset as she felt as if she had just ruined the possibility of a beautiful partnership with this guy. She kept regretting the fact that she had doubted his promises too much.

She also felt as if the guy was starting to yield into someone he was not just to please the girl. And that’s not fair. That’s the beginning of a toxic partnership and she did not want that. Because she knew that being with someone who could not stand on his own principle would feel like she’s playing ping-pong by herself, or dancing tango alone, or playing chess by herself.

She was utterly saddened by this and she did not even know how to express her thoughts to the guy who”s also left confused by her retaliation.

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too good to be true

So, i asked my housemate to introduce me to one of her friends the other day. Shameless, i know. Yes. Since the first time i saw his face from my friend’s phone, i was like yup i like his face. Bright and pleasant. The kind of face that actually brings luck.

Little did i know, this guy actually reached out to me. He started contacting me and we talked and talked. I feel like this whole thing is like a dream. Something that’s too good to be true. Like a movie with everything going so perfectly like i mean PERFECTLY which makes the audience wonders whether there shall be any HUGE catastrophe waiting for the stars down the road.

This guy is like the realization of my wildest fantasy. The right amount of freak and proper, conservative but open minded, religious but just in the right amount, supportive of what I do, possessive but in just the right ways, handsome and physically attractive in all ways my secondary self would imagine her future boyfriend to be. It’s crazy. I’m not even exaggerating. It is crazy. And he could even say that he loves me more than I do. No. He doesn’t know a thing. No no no.

I can’t help but to start thinking that maybe HE IS too good for me. Maybe he is in the position who ‘settles’ for someone that’s not up to his original standard. He even said so himself. He said that I’m not his usual type. I don’t know what to make up from this statement. Am I not attractive enough? Am I not smart or pretty enough? I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself not to think too much, but I just can’t help it.

The only thing I have decided to do is to guard my heart as best as I could. In case this guy suddenly treats me exactly like the last one did. I’ll be ready, because it hurt me. Badly. I don’t want to experience that ever again and it is my decision to simply not give myself away that easily even though I know that he is exactly what I want. Confusing I know, but that’s how it is. My heart keeps telling me that if it’s too good, it can’t be true. I don’t know how it would go, but honestly I think this is too good and too perfect for even someone like me. Or maybe I just have not found out some deep dark secret of his that might actually be the balancing point for his perfect being. Not hoping for this, but yes. My most honest opinion of this relationship. Something I would not even admit to myself when I’m sober. No. I’m not.

🙂

Words

Hello!

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the importance of words.

Not just simply as a tool for communication, but also as the tool we use to express emotion. I just realised how powerful words can be; lethal enough to break bonds, but magical enough to mend the torn ties.

Few weeks ago, I re-read the explanation for my love languages and I find it really interesting how my score for Words of Affirmation is super low. Like i mean really low. I have never really paid attention to this, I just thought okay well I enjoy sweet words and well thought sentences when said at the right time by the right person. But apparently for me it does not really matter what someone say to me if they do not prove it or at least do something about it.

Maybe it is partly because of how I was brought up as a kid too. My parents are not those who give praises to their children. The words of encouragement they usually give us would simply be “do your best”. As simple as that; with no promises or any other long words to accompany the phrase. Hence, I have gotten used to not expecting anything from them and that what makes their words so precious to me.  I know for sure that they do not flaunt words and once they promise me something, they would definitely do it.

I don’t know. I think I just want to remind myself that while I might be surrounded by people and social media culture which celebrate the power of words to influence others and to reconstruct their self-images, I need to remember that action always speaks louder than words. You can say anything you want, but if your action does not align with what you say, your words slowly lose their meanings. And this is crucial because if you are not who you say you are, then who are you? Do you even know yourself? Isn’t your identity is basically the characteristics of the person you think you are?

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Meh, basically all I want to say is: never use your words carelessly. Do not say things you don’t mean, never make promises you can’t keep and never make people believe things they should not have.

🙂

3 Loves

Hello! It’s been a while since my last post hehe. I hope you are well.

Anyway, I just watched this YouTube video from an Indonesian blogger. He interviewed this one actor about his love life. It was alright, until he mentioned this concept of 3 loves which he stumbled upon the other day. And I think the concept is actually pretty interesting (and quite accurate in my case, I think)…

The First Love

This love is the naive love. The kind of love we strived for just so that we could fulfil our personal ‘fairy tale’ dream of romance. We would even believe that it would be our only love.

Well for me, it was quite true. I don’t even remember the details of our ‘relationship’ now, but I know for sure that I really enjoyed being showered with all those attention and admiration. I mean, for a secondary school kid it was pretty magical 🙂

The Hard Love

This is the kind of love that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. This love can sometimes turn into an unhealthy and unbalanced with high levels of drama. Which is why we easily got addicted to its storyline (ironic). The emotional rollercoaster is exciting and just like a drug junkie, we often stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. Hence, we often find ourselves trying too hard to make it work regardless of how destructive and toxic the relationship actually is.

Okay. Hard slap, but this is exactly the kind of ‘love’ I just managed to recover from. It was probably the hardest emotional hurdle I ever needed to get through. I mean, I have been living a quite peaceful life until then and to be fair it was not even an official ‘relationship’ whatsoever. But I kept on trapping myself in this mindset that he must have been the one and I was the one who have not tried harder, or maybe I should have changed into whoever it is he wanted me to be. I don’t even know why. Well thank God I have passed that stage.

The Love That Lasts

This one is the love we would never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us in the beginning, destroying our imagination on how love ‘should be’, but it would be the kind of love that comes so easy just because everything clicks and we felt accepted for who we are, and not for who they want us to be. It should be the one that shows us why it never worked with other people before.

I hope this is true. Right now, I am expecting for this love to come eventually. I would never know when, where, or how this love will come. But until then, I know I will be striving to be a better me. Wishing us all a better luck in romance this second half of 2018 hehehe.

Cheers!

 

Blue Print

They say that we are attracted to people who resemble our parents. This is because growing up, you see what love between your parents looks like and that became your standard (that’s how you understand what love is). You learn how to give and accept love from seeing how they do them.

And you know what, I think this is true.

From when I was little (until now), my parents are huge on quality time. My siblings and I would not even be allowed to eat our dinner before my parents come home. So we always have dinner together, and that is for sure. I reflected on how this affects me, and turns out my strongest love language is through quality time too. Well, now I know how I got that result.

I saw my father as a loving one, a person who shows his love through his thought, time and action much more than he does with physical affection. Meanwhile, my mother is the kind of person who shows her love to my father through her unconditional support and respect to him. Like legit, I have never seen anyone who respects my father as much as my mum. She would never judge or question his decisions when he had said the word, and would be there when he needs her. I rarely see them kiss but for me what they have shown is enough to assure me that they are indeed in love. And now I realize that I don’t really crave for physical love, I want a more practical kind of love just like the kind my parents have.

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However, this also affects me somehow on the kind of person I find attractive. My father has this ‘bad boy’ kind of vibe that is very palpable and I always feel secure whenever he’s around (literally in every way), and that is the feeling I want to have in my future relationship. Maybe that is partly why I don’t really find nice and weak guys attractive. But then again, I think my choices and expectations are also affected by the media and stories I digested since I was a kid. I feel like at this very moment, my thoughts and decisions are very clouded by my extreme habit of romanticizing stuff.

Well in conclusion, I just think that this statement about how our choice on partner is heavily affected by how we understand love from our parents is true. Random thought indeed hehehe.

Cheers! 🙂

Wildflower

Last month, I found this picture of a wildflower while browsing on Pinterest looking for an inspiration for tattoos (I have always wanted to get one since forever, but never had the gut to do it).

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Then I was like, what is the significance of a wildflower?

It grows beautifully anywhere without being deliberately planted by someone. Thinking of this flower like that makes me reflect on how I’m living my life. I’m not sure if it’s because of the influence I got from living in Melbourne for 3 and a half years, but I just seem to have this totally different outlook on how I want to live my life ever since. And somehow, I ended up back in my hometown with the same group of friends who don’t necessarily agree with whatever it is I have to say about things.

Well, I don’t actually want them to completely agree with everything I say, but I think it would be really great to have at least someone with whom I can explore and talk about the different possibilities of things in this life without any prejudice or preconceived ideas about how things should be just because their parents told them so.

I do not and will never regret having the chance to live in Melbourne all these years, I know that I have grown in my ways of thinking and I think it is time for me to embrace that new side of me instead of being so overly conscious on what others may think of what I do or don’t do. I want to flourish anywhere I am planted and that is probably why I chose to have the picture of this particular flower on my body as a reminder.

🙂

Confession

Hey you, yes you.

We’ve been going on and on like this for quite some time now.

I don’t know where this is going and I think it’s time to make this clear once and for all. If you want to be with me just say it, otherwise just go and never talk to me the way you just did anymore. Let’s just be friends or strangers because I cannot and will not be in a relationship where you’re not entirely committed to me. I’m catching feelings and I need something constant. Call me stiff or closed-minded whatever, but I can’t be part of your game anymore. Your words are always confusing and I don’t even know if you have ever actually liked me.

Are you somewhat embarrassed to have me by your side? Or what? If you are not interested, please don’t do things which make me think otherwise. You’ve known me all these years and I thought you understand that I am the type of person who cannot go on casual dates. You’ve been in my heart since forever and it gets harder for me these days to let you go again. I hate that I always got so invested in the thought of you as my long-term partner. I like you, I really do. I love our conversations and I even love listening to your thoughts on things. I love that we don’t always agree on things because then I can learn new stuff from you too. I feel that although we are different in so many ways, I could always find something from your personality to love. Enough for me to want you by my side all the time no matter how annoying you are sometimes.

Honestly, I think you’ve always known how attracted I am to you all these years. I would never invest that much time on someone I don’t care. I am not sure, did I not show that part of me enough for you to see how much I like you? I am never good with words, I lost them all when I see your eyes and my only defence is to be slightly uptight and laugh it off, because I’m always afraid that if I show you too much of my feelings, you would leave me broken since that’s what you’ve been doing all these years.

Some parts of me even thought that you are actually mine regardless of the fact that you’ve been with other girls, since you always come back to me somehow. But the other part of me also think that you’ve never had any intention of going further than just friends with me. So please make this easier for me by going away and never come back. I am too attracted to you to stop on my own, but I know for sure that I want a proper relationship. I just want you to know that you have been a significant part of me and that what you have done to me and my feelings had made it extremely hard for me to just push them aside as if they’re nothing. So, if you are ready for it, let’s do this properly and I promise that I will love you sincerely with all I have. I want to understand you, your flaws, dreams and passion and I will love them all. You know me well enough to realise that I would actually do that right? But if you’re not going to stay and make this work with me, don’t come closer.

Letting you go will be the hardest thing I would ever have to do but I deserve to be treated better than this.

Love always,

I

Expectations

Up to now, it has been 2 months since I first work in my family’s company after I graduated. Yes. I have been working and a looot of people who knew my age would tell me “You’re still to young to settle down in one city. You should go and explore the world some more. Go work in other big companies first, travel more, go for masters degree. Yada yada yada”

And you know what? Its not like I have not thought of going away for some time and not work right away. But then I decided  that I will take my time to choose and before I finally find the right path I want to pursue, I will do what I can to help my family’s company. And to be honest, it is not even easy to do this. I have to be responsible for so many things and I literally just realized how complicated and challenging it is to earn money.

The money I spend everyday so carelessly up until now.

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Some would say “Oh! Then you should work abroad since you’d be able to earn more”. But have you thought of the living cost for living abroad? I have worked in a firm in Melbourne in my final semester and I know for a fact that although the wages are quite high, with my current experience and qualifications, that amount would not be able to cover my expenses unless I still get allowances from my parents. And I do not want that to happen. I think that even if I still can’t stand on my own two feet yet, at least by working in my hometown, I could  help them and maybe reduce their burden a little since living in Melbourne is definitely not cheap.

But then, being a Melbourne graduate has its own perks. Well maybe not exactly perks because people expects you to be a really smart and ambitious person who will do great things within a very short amount of time. I believe I will too eventually. But I think these expectations have become more and more unrealistic as I spend more time here. People seem to be waiting for some kind of a revolutionary breakthrough from me within 2 months. And I am telling you now, that as an ESFJ, it is very very hard for me to feel like I am disappointing everybody every day. It feels like I am not fulfilling their dreams or something though I know that it is not entirely my fault.

Because I don’t know, maybe it is actually quite natural to happen especially when it comes from my parents who have spent so much energy, money and thoughts on me over these years. I just wished that they could understand that I need some time to adjust and learn about the professional life a little bit more before I could ‘change the world’. I need to know the rule first before I could excel in it. I would need their guidance and support. But I guess right now I just need to learn faster and figure out what I need to do in order to get to my goals.

Wish me luck! 🙂

Soundtrack

Hello guys!

I feel like it’s been a while since I actually rant about stuff.

In this post, I would like to talk about music. Yep. On my final year in Uni, I took Music Psychology as my breadth subject. It basically taught us the role of music in our lives, and the one interesting fact I always remember (alongside with some other random trivia about music) is that apparently certain tunes can cue our brain to recall specific memory.

At first, I was quite skeptical with this finding because I thought we remember things because we WANT to. I mean, does thoughts really come and go automatically like that?

Several days after that, I was walking down the street while listening to my ‘Old songs’ playlist (which I made like 6 years ago and never listened to). Then somehow I started to remember the people who are somehow ‘related’ with those songs.

For example, when I listened to the song ‘When I need you’ by Rod Stewart, I immediately remembered the family trip we had when I was a kid, because we used to listen to Stewart’s album over and over again throughout the 5-hour journey. Then there’s ‘Bloom’ by Paper Kites that reminds me of the guy I now despise so much. This thing happened with the other songs I listened to that day and I just realized that somehow in my mind, everyone who are (or had been) dear to me has their own soundtrack.  Listening tho those ‘key’ songs does not always bring back good memories, but sometimes the bad ones too.

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From this realization, I learned that whether it’s a good or bad memory, each of them had shaped me into becoming the person that I am today. So I figure, a little reminder of these memories from every now and then might be good for me. To help me realize that I should just accept and be grateful for each memory so that I can keep on improving myself.

Cheers! 🙂

Dilan 1990 HAHA

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Buku ini bercerita tentang kisah cinta dua anak SMA, Milea dan Dilan dari sisi sudut pandang Milea. Dimulai dari awal mereka bertemu sampai akhirnya jadian.

  • Review:

First off, ini aku baca bukunya habis nonton trailernya di youtube. Kesan pertamanya cringe banget soalnya gombalnya luar biasa corny and mushy, ga nahan banget especially karena udah nggak ada lagi orang yang ngomong kayak gitu. Akhirnya karena nggak tahan, aku download PDF file nya lalu baca aja sih. And you know what, I finished the book in 2 hours and honestly I really enjoyed it. Dan ternyata bagusnya buku ini malah karena kejayusan dan gombal-gombalnya si Dilan. Emang sih, pas baca kayak jijik gitu ngebayangin ada cowok yang ngomong kayak dia. But I couldn’t help smiling loh.

Ceritanya super enteng dan nggak terlalu belibet. Mainly about how Milea deals with her feelings towards Dilan yang selalu aneh-aneh aja cara ngedeketinnya. The one thing that amuses me adalah gimana si Dilan ini selalu menemukan cara lain yang lebih practical untuk menunjukkan kalau dia suka ama si Milea. Sungguh, itu aneh tapi lucu banget, atau mungkin karena aku jayus makanya suka lol. It’s interesting how the two main characters di novel ini enggak pernah sembunyi-sembunyiin perasaan mereka, makanya jadi nggak nyebelin. I guess thats because most books I read these days banyak ‘scheming’ nya gitu. Semua berusaha kelihatan tough dan jaim. Pokoknya kebalikan dari buku ini. Anyway, kalau aku jelasin lebih banyak dari ini, nanti nggak seru sih. HAHAHA.

If you’re looking for a light-themed book to start off 2018, I would recommend this book. Nanti kalau udah selesai bacanya, go ahead and watch the movie! Personally they did a great job in adapting the novel into movie. Nilainya 8 deh. 🙂

Cheers!