Failure

Hey! It’s December again.

Yep. Time flies so fast I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016 already.

Anyways, I just recently received my uni results this week and I’ve been devastated ever since.

I am a definite Type A girl. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I have found a link where you can read all about this type for yourself. What this basically means is that I am a very competitive and self critical person (you can ask anyone who knows me well about this and they will confirm it for you). I will not stop until I reach my goals and I don’t even mind pushing others to be able to hit the bulls eye.

ambition

I have been this person since I was in Elementary school and I’ve got so many good things out of being me. I got good grades, I always get what I want and I never regret whatever things I did knowing that my past-self must have done her best to achieve them.

But I also realized along the way that sometimes even if I did not do my best, I could still get away with things. For example, I would spend my whole day watching Korean dramas during the exam week in High School and still get the perfect mark on the exam the day after. It’s wonderful, but I think my brain misunderstood this LUCK to be somewhat a DESTINY. Like I’m destined to never fail (Yeah, right).

This notion has been somehow proven to be true until this semester. On the day before my most difficult subject’s examination, I decided to NOT study although I knew that passing the exam was the hurdle of the subject (meaning that if I did not pass the exam, I’d fail no matter how high my marks were for my other assignments).

I just decided to not be ME for once and just go along leaving it all to the universe to reward my laziness.

And I did not do well.

I cried on the way home from the examination hall by myself, hating the feeling of being dumb in front of the exam paper and all. But I still believed that maybe somehow I’d pass the subject. I did not even care if my average marks would go down, as long as I don’t have to redo the subject.

But guess what? Universe did not help me this time.

I’ve never failed my whole life. My academic life is the one thing I’ve been able to take for granted all my life. Like literally. But apparently it is time for me to wake up, to realize that nothing good in this life would come to me by being lazy or doing things with just average effort. If I wanted to excel, then I can never let my guard down. Never.

Now, I have to deal with myself and my own overly-critical self who judges this failure all the time. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep without trembling in disappointment to myself, thinking of the mess I’ve made and how I had become this low quality person who was so snobbish to think that she could get away with anything.

I learned this lesson the hard way and I vowed to only do my best from then on.

I just felt so disappointed to myself for not being ME that time.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my way of testing fate.

😦

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3 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. You are certainly lucky to come this far along academically and not have to study much. I’m not as gifted, haha. I didn’t study much in high school but college became a different story, which makes sense. Anyway, I hope you do feel better about this ordeal. This incident, though unfortunate, has made you a more motivated student if not a stronger person. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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