This is an essay, a thorough explanation about my view about love and romantic relationships. I did not write this for anyone but myself, to help me reflect and actually understand what I’m actually looking for in a relationship.
Everytime I go back to my hometown during summer holiday or winter breaks, some of my relatives will regularly ask me about whether or not I have a boyfriend. I’m not sure what answer they’re actually waiting for me to say and what they’re gonna do about either of the answers, but I always say no (well at least until now). Then, the question ‘Why?’ always follows my answer. Most of the time, I’d answer with jokes such as: ‘Ah yeah, my boyfriend is too busy being an actor in South Korea, we’ve been in a long distance relationship’ or maybe some other silly answers which implies that I just don’t have a boyfriend for whatever reason it is.
But to be honest, it’s not like I don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s just that I haven’t found the one. Of course, everytime I say that cliche sentence, people would say ‘Oh my, don’t be so picky laa’. And this is the part where most people misunderstand. How can I be picky when there’s literally nothing to be picked?
Some people think that it is okay to try being in any kind of relationship just to have some ‘experience’. Is that what people are actually expecting from me? To be ‘less picky’ and just date whoever shows any kind of attraction to my relatively unusual self?
Those concepts are hard for me to grasp because I have always had all these preconceptions about how I’m going to live my life. I’m not too sure if I got them from my parents or from listening to what my society thinks as the ‘right’ pathway in life, but I slowly regard them as goals and I will try to elaborate them as concise as I can.
Firstly, I frankly think that if two individuals have committed to be in a relationship, they should fight for it and strive to make it work. I’m not sure how other people can actually start a relationship regardless of the fact that it may never work out. Some may think that all those big hurdles are ‘testing’ their love, but for me it is not like that. I have always believed that if two people were meant to be, everything (like literally) will fall into its place perfectly, as if the universe too were giving its approval to your union. You should not have to work that hard for something that’s meant to be. That’s why it is called ‘meant to be’ and not ‘forced to be’. Plus, I think having more ‘experience’ being in a relationship does not always mean that you’ll find a better match. So please, if you want me to be happy, pray for me instead of judging my relationship status and decisions.
Secondly, I don’t really have time. I’m the type of girl who goes all-in in a relationship. I don’t do ‘knee-deep’. It’s either diving or I’m on the shore. Hence the idea of having to nurture a relationship while maintaining the required focus to graduate architecture school is already challenging for me. Sometimes I even think that maybe this ‘arrangement’ that I’m living in is a blessing from God so that I have my priorities in the right order although I won’t deny that sometimes it does get a little lonely especially when you’re so stressed with school and basically everything that you start longing for a partner (other than your bestfriends) to be there for you.
Lastly, I find it harder for me to see future with the guys in my circle at this very moment. Most of them are of my age and we don’t really think about future and all those stuff yet. Maybe this may sound weird to some of you, but whenever I’m attracted to a guy, I will definitely try picturing a life with him in the future. So scary right? But I will not deny it. And to be honest, I rarely find guys of my age (especially in my current friendship scoop) with the clear vision and ambition that I would love to see in a man whom I might spend 3/4 of my life with. And no, it’s not because I set too high of an expectation for a guy. Because although I watch a whole lot of chick flicks and romantic TV series, I know that all those lovey dovey things I enjoy watching are not realistic. Moreover, at least now I can clearly distinguish the realistic kind of love and the Movie-inspired ones. I never expect my future partner to be or do anything resembling things depicted in movies. I’m only looking for a friend who is willing to walk beside me and who is willing to grow and thrive together with me in all aspects of life.
So, maybe these are some honest points on why I’m not in a relationship right at the moment. Hahahhaha. Sorry for the long post, I’m just spilling out my thoughts.