Blue Print

They say that we are attracted to people who resemble our parents. This is because growing up, you see what love between your parents looks like and that became your standard (that’s how you understand what love is). You learn how to give and accept love from seeing how they do them.

And you know what, I think this is true.

From when I was little (until now), my parents are huge on quality time. My siblings and I would not even be allowed to eat our dinner before my parents come home. So we always have dinner together, and that is for sure. I reflected on how this affects me, and turns out my strongest love language is through quality time too. Well, now I know how I got that result.

I saw my father as a loving one, a person who shows his love through his thought, time and action much more than he does with physical affection. Meanwhile, my mother is the kind of person who shows her love to my father through her unconditional support and respect to him. Like legit, I have never seen anyone who respects my father as much as my mum. She would never judge or question his decisions when he had said the word, and would be there when he needs her. I rarely see them kiss but for me what they have shown is enough to assure me that they are indeed in love. And now I realize that I don’t really crave for physical love, I want a more practical kind of love just like the kind my parents have.

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However, this also affects me somehow on the kind of person I find attractive. My father has this ‘bad boy’ kind of vibe that is very palpable and I always feel secure whenever he’s around (literally in every way), and that is the feeling I want to have in my future relationship. Maybe that is partly why I don’t really find nice and weak guys attractive. But then again, I think my choices and expectations are also affected by the media and stories I digested since I was a kid. I feel like at this very moment, my thoughts and decisions are very clouded by my extreme habit of romanticizing stuff.

Well in conclusion, I just think that this statement about how our choice on partner is heavily affected by how we understand love from our parents is true. Random thought indeed hehehe.

Cheers! 🙂

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Wildflower

Last month, I found this picture of a wildflower while browsing on Pinterest looking for an inspiration for tattoos (I have always wanted to get one since forever, but never had the gut to do it).

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Then I was like, what is the significance of a wildflower?

It grows beautifully anywhere without being deliberately planted by someone. Thinking of this flower like that makes me reflect on how I’m living my life. I’m not sure if it’s because of the influence I got from living in Melbourne for 3 and a half years, but I just seem to have this totally different outlook on how I want to live my life ever since. And somehow, I ended up back in my hometown with the same group of friends who don’t necessarily agree with whatever it is I have to say about things.

Well, I don’t actually want them to completely agree with everything I say, but I think it would be really great to have at least someone with whom I can explore and talk about the different possibilities of things in this life without any prejudice or preconceived ideas about how things should be just because their parents told them so.

I do not and will never regret having the chance to live in Melbourne all these years, I know that I have grown in my ways of thinking and I think it is time for me to embrace that new side of me instead of being so overly conscious on what others may think of what I do or don’t do. I want to flourish anywhere I am planted and that is probably why I chose to have the picture of this particular flower on my body as a reminder.

🙂

Confession

Hey you, yes you.

We’ve been going on and on like this for quite some time now.

I don’t know where this is going and I think it’s time to make this clear once and for all. If you want to be with me just say it, otherwise just go and never talk to me the way you just did anymore. Let’s just be friends or strangers because I cannot and will not be in a relationship where you’re not entirely committed to me. I’m catching feelings and I need something constant. Call me stiff or closed-minded whatever, but I can’t be part of your game anymore. Your words are always confusing and I don’t even know if you have ever actually liked me. It’s been almost 9 years. That’s how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask me to be yours properly (a question which I would’ve easily said yes to). I’m always at lost when I think about what is it that always stops you from doing so.

Are you somewhat embarrassed to have me by your side? Or what? If you are not interested, please don’t do things which make me think otherwise. You’ve known me all these years and I thought you understand that I am the type of person who cannot go on casual dates. You’ve been in my heart since forever and it gets harder for me these days to let you go again. I hate that I always got so invested in the thought of you as my long-term partner. I like you, I really do. I love our conversations and I even love listening to your thoughts on things. I love that we don’t always agree on things because then I can learn new stuff from you too. I feel that although we are different in so many ways, I could always find something from your personality to love. Enough for me to want you by my side all the time no matter how annoying you are sometimes. I love your kisses and I would have given you much more than that in return if you ever gave me the chance to.

Honestly, I think you’ve always known how attracted I am to you all these years. I have never drunk text or call anyone but you, and I would never invest that much time on someone I don’t care. I am not sure, did I not show that part of me enough for you to see how much I like you? I am never good with words, I lost them all when I see your eyes and my only defence is to be slightly uptight and laugh it off, because I’m always afraid that if I show you too much of my feelings, you would leave me broken since that’s what you’ve been doing all these years.

Some parts of me even thought that you are actually mine regardless of the fact that you’ve been with other girls, since you always come back to me somehow. But the other part of me also think that you’ve never had any intention of going further than just friends with me. So please make this easier for me by going away and never come back. I am too attracted to you to stop on my own, but I know for sure that I want a proper relationship. I just want you to know that you have been a significant part of me and that what you have done to me and my feelings had made it extremely hard for me to just push them aside as if they’re nothing. So, if you are ready for it, let’s do this properly and I promise that I will love you sincerely with all I have. I want to understand you, your flaws, dreams and passion and I will love them all. You know me well enough to realise that I would actually do that right? But if you’re not going to stay and make this work with me, don’t come closer.

Letting you go will be the hardest thing I would ever have to do but I deserve to be treated better than this.

Love always,

A fragile heart inside a laughing facade

Perks

Hello people. It’s been quite some time since the last time I wrote a post.

There were these moments within these past few weeks that were surprising yet so damn inappropriate in some ways that made it harder for me to move on and forget a certain someone I have been talking about in the past. I know I know, I promised to myself the other day that I would forget this guy and never look back. But it was crazy hard. He kept coming back to me although he is still with someone else.

His presence had left me thinking about the reasons why he does not want to be with me for real. I mean, why though?

I am a good catch. I really think I am.

Well that is also why I have decided to write this post for him.  I want to list down some of the perks of having me as a girlfriend and how it is definitely his loss for taking me for granted as a friend (with benefit). Pretty much a resume on what I can offer as a girlfriend. HAHAHA.

  1. I’m a relatively talkative person. I will never let an awkward moment pass by without me trying to come up with interesting topics that we can talk about. I will make sure you never get bored when you’re with me.
  2. I’m also quite a good listener. It is the well known personality trait of an ESFJ like me to genuinely care for others and on how they are doing. So when I ask you ‘what’s up’, I don’t do that just for small talk. I REALLY want to know all about your life and I am interested in what you have to say about stuff. So I will definitely listen to you and do my best to come up with suggestions when you ask for some.
  3. I take care of my appearance. This might be the one thing I can promise you no matter how old I get. I will not let you be embarrassed for going out with me by your side. I might not be the prettiest in the room, but I will most definitely am not going to be the ugliest or the slouchiest.
  4. I go to the gym a lot and I can assure you that I have a proportional body. Not the skinniest or the fattest, but I have a tight body.
  5. I am a qualified wife material. HAHAHA. But this is for real. I can cook and bake delicious food, I can sew and knit, I am a neat-freak which also means your home will never be dirty or unorganised when I’m around. I will make sure you eat and exercise properly so we can be healthy together 🙂
  6. I graduated as an architect ok. So I can design our house, I understand how things work and I would not be the kind of partner who relies on her boyfriend to take care of the house maintenance. Plus, I would not ask you some stupid questions about house keeping and stuff because I went to school for that.
  7. The other thing I get from being an architect is my structured thoughts. So you can be assured that everything around us will be made as efficient as possible. I don’t do drama and I will tell you what I need or want (most of the time).
  8. I rarely get mad. This is a fact. I am not the type of person who pick fights. And even when I do, I never get mad for too long. I will come and talk to you, find the best way to solve the problem and ask you to move on with me.
  9. It is very very easy to make me laugh. This is also a fact. Just show me a stupid meme or pun, buy me ice cream or just simply say something witty and I will cave in. Just be patient with me when I don’t seem to respond.
  10. I will respect you. You don’t have to worry about this when you’re going out with me. I have promised to myself that I will be the ‘supportive’ partner. I will never tell you what to do or mock your decisions, no matter how questionable that might seem. I will tell you what I think, and may even disagree with you at times, but I will be there for you.
  11. I am quite an artsy person. I always try to enjoy and appreciate most of the things in this life. So I will never ever spew harsh judgements on things. Even if you grow beards and collect stamps for fun, I will try to understand your preferences.
  12. I don’t need high maintenance. I eat almost everything so you don’t have to worry too much about what to get me for dinner or lunch or whatever. I can eat the cheapest food from a small stall and still be as happy as I would be when you take me to a fine dining restaurant.
  13. I am very flexible in terms of preferences. I love music, movies and books. So you can take me to concerts, cinemas, library or even just stay at home to watch netflix and chill, whatever it is, I will enjoy them.
  14. I am the kind of girl who remembers every little things. I will not forget what you said to me about your favourite food, colour, city, subject when you were in high school, anything. Tell me and I will make you feel like you are the most important soul in this world. 🙂
  15. I love to drive so you can ask me to take over the steering wheel when you’re tired.
  16. I will never ever stop you from connecting with your pals. I will never be the kind of girlfriend who ask her SO to choose her over his friends or something like that. I understand that you need both to function properly. Just don’t forget to care for me too :*
  17. I love to learn new stuff and I am not embarrassed to tell you outright when I don’t understand something. I will try my best not to be a know-it-all and I would even ask you to teach me things I don’t master.
  18. I will give you your space. I will let you do your work peacefully, remind you to go to church and have some quality time with your family. I am not the type who will hog you just for me all-day-err-day.
  19. I will help you whenever you need anything. This is for sure. Proof reading, taking care of stuff, taking care of your plants, cook for you when you’re sick, just tell me, and I will come and do my best to help you.
  20. I will love you with all my heart. I will sincerely give you my attention and care. Because when I love someone, it is REALLY REALLY hard for me to let go. So you better be careful.

I hope one day you read this and realise that you will never find someone like me :”)

Expectations

Up to now, it has been 2 months since I first work in my family’s company after I graduated. Yes. I have been working and a looot of people who knew my age would tell me “You’re still to young to settle down in one city. You should go and explore the world some more. Go work in other big companies first, travel more, go for masters degree. Yada yada yada”

And you know what? Its not like I have not thought of going away for some time and not work right away. But then I decided  that I will take my time to choose and before I finally find the right path I want to pursue, I will do what I can to help my family’s company. And to be honest, it is not even easy to do this. I have to be responsible for so many things and I literally just realized how complicated and challenging it is to earn money.

The money I spend everyday so carelessly up until now.

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Some would say “Oh! Then you should work abroad since you’d be able to earn more”. But have you thought of the living cost for living abroad? I have worked in a firm in Melbourne in my final semester and I know for a fact that although the wages are quite high, with my current experience and qualifications, that amount would not be able to cover my expenses unless I still get allowances from my parents. And I do not want that to happen. I think that even if I still can’t stand on my own two feet yet, at least by working in my hometown, I could  help them and maybe reduce their burden a little since living in Melbourne is definitely not cheap.

But then, being a Melbourne graduate has its own perks. Well maybe not exactly perks because people expects you to be a really smart and ambitious person who will do great things within a very short amount of time. I believe I will too eventually. But I think these expectations have become more and more unrealistic as I spend more time here. People seem to be waiting for some kind of a revolutionary breakthrough from me within 2 months. And I am telling you now, that as an ESFJ, it is very very hard for me to feel like I am disappointing everybody every day. It feels like I am not fulfilling their dreams or something though I know that it is not entirely my fault.

Because I don’t know, maybe it is actually quite natural to happen especially when it comes from my parents who have spent so much energy, money and thoughts on me over these years. I just wished that they could understand that I need some time to adjust and learn about the professional life a little bit more before I could ‘change the world’. I need to know the rule first before I could excel in it. I would need their guidance and support. But I guess right now I just need to learn faster and figure out what I need to do in order to get to my goals.

Wish me luck! 🙂

Soundtrack

Hello guys!

I feel like it’s been a while since I actually rant about stuff.

In this post, I would like to talk about music. Yep. On my final year in Uni, I took Music Psychology as my breadth subject. It basically taught us the role of music in our lives, and the one interesting fact I always remember (alongside with some other random trivia about music) is that apparently certain tunes can cue our brain to recall specific memory.

At first, I was quite skeptical with this finding because I thought we remember things because we WANT to. I mean, does thoughts really come and go automatically like that?

Several days after that, I was walking down the street while listening to my ‘Old songs’ playlist (which I made like 6 years ago and never listened to). Then somehow I started to remember the people who are somehow ‘related’ with those songs.

For example, when I listened to the song ‘When I need you’ by Rod Stewart, I immediately remembered the family trip we had when I was a kid, because we used to listen to Stewart’s album over and over again throughout the 5-hour journey. Then there’s ‘Bloom’ by Paper Kites that reminds me of the guy I now despise so much. This thing happened with the other songs I listened to that day and I just realized that somehow in my mind, everyone who are (or had been) dear to me has their own soundtrack.  Listening tho those ‘key’ songs does not always bring back good memories, but sometimes the bad ones too.

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From this realization, I learned that whether it’s a good or bad memory, each of them had shaped me into becoming the person that I am today. So I figure, a little reminder of these memories from every now and then might be good for me. To help me realize that I should just accept and be grateful for each memory so that I can keep on improving myself.

Cheers! 🙂

Dilan 1990 HAHA

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Buku ini bercerita tentang kisah cinta dua anak SMA, Milea dan Dilan dari sisi sudut pandang Milea. Dimulai dari awal mereka bertemu sampai akhirnya jadian.

  • Review:

First off, ini aku baca bukunya habis nonton trailernya di youtube. Kesan pertamanya cringe banget soalnya gombalnya luar biasa corny and mushy, ga nahan banget especially karena udah nggak ada lagi orang yang ngomong kayak gitu. Akhirnya karena nggak tahan, aku download PDF file nya lalu baca aja sih. And you know what, I finished the book in 2 hours and honestly I really enjoyed it. Dan ternyata bagusnya buku ini malah karena kejayusan dan gombal-gombalnya si Dilan. Emang sih, pas baca kayak jijik gitu ngebayangin ada cowok yang ngomong kayak dia. But I couldn’t help smiling loh.

Ceritanya super enteng dan nggak terlalu belibet. Mainly about how Milea deals with her feelings towards Dilan yang selalu aneh-aneh aja cara ngedeketinnya. The one thing that amuses me adalah gimana si Dilan ini selalu menemukan cara lain yang lebih practical untuk menunjukkan kalau dia suka ama si Milea. Sungguh, itu aneh tapi lucu banget, atau mungkin karena aku jayus makanya suka lol. It’s interesting how the two main characters di novel ini enggak pernah sembunyi-sembunyiin perasaan mereka, makanya jadi nggak nyebelin. I guess thats because most books I read these days banyak ‘scheming’ nya gitu. Semua berusaha kelihatan tough dan jaim. Pokoknya kebalikan dari buku ini. Anyway, kalau aku jelasin lebih banyak dari ini, nanti nggak seru sih. HAHAHA.

If you’re looking for a light-themed book to start off 2018, I would recommend this book. Nanti kalau udah selesai bacanya, go ahead and watch the movie! Personally they did a great job in adapting the novel into movie. Nilainya 8 deh. 🙂

Cheers!

Stale Conversation

Seriously, what do couples talk about when they’re dating?

As you may know, I am an avid talker (is that even a thing?). But yeah, I love talking and having conversations with people. I won’t mind exchanging words about something so mundane like the colour of the sky or even the weirdest ideas you have ever thought of; but I also wouldn’t mind talking about some deepshit stuff like why abortion should be legal or why cloning may sound plausible.

Anyways, I have always thought that my knowledge over the general things in life is enough to help me start and maintain conversations with people around me.

But recently, I talked to one of my best friends who just started ‘dating’ a guy she has been interested in for some times. She told me that after 2-3 months of intensive texting and calling, eventually they ran out of topics to talk about and that just depletes her initial respect to this guy as the time goes.

Then, I thought to myself what would I do if the same situation happen to me? Will ‘love’ be enough to maintain a relationship? I know that couples could flirt all they want especially in the beginning of the relationship, however I think you can’t just flirt your way through life can you? Eventually they need to start talking about a more reasonable topics such as their future, jobs, plans, etc.

I just simply can’t imagine a situation where I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about with someone. Things would be so awkward and wouldn’t this situation signifies that this couple doesn’t even have any similarities, plans or even future together? Moreover, I think I have said this to one of my closest friends, but my biggest fear is to have someone telling me that he/she is bored hanging out with me. I seriously wouldn’t know what I’ll do if that happens.

I just realised how PARAMOUNT it is to make sure that your significant other has the same overall goal and dream with you. Because if your vision about life does not align, I believe that there would eventually be nothing left for you to discuss as you date. Or maybe there is, but it wouldn’t be as enjoyable or stimulating as it would if you are working together on the same goal. The communication should not be just physical and empty, but it should be rich and exciting.

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And you know what,  with every epiphany I have about life and relationship, the longer my SO-criteria gets. I don’t think this is good as I believe I would have more of these as I get older. I’m just hoping that someone right would come along before I get too idealistic with my own mindset.

Cheers! 🙂

Thankful for 2017

Here are the 15 things I am truly grateful for in 2017. I’m listing them just to remind myself that at the end of the day, things happened for some reasons and I can always learn something from those experiences.

  1. To attend Adele’s concert. Like I mean, legit BEST.
  2. Met new friends, got to work together in PPIA Victoria and 12th IFF throughout the year.
  3. Finished my Bachelor’s Degree in Environments 🙂
  4. Got the chance to create an illustrative architecture project for my final semester based on psychological developments
  5. To watch a Moonlight Cinema of Beauty and the Beast YAY!
  6. Managed to resist my urge to get a tattoo and settled for 3 new piercings in my ears.
  7. Visited Perth with my family on my birthday this year.
  8. Tried and learned new things this year, finally understands why things are the way they are.
  9. Got an architecture internship in Melbourne, got to learn and earn some money from the company too.
  10. To start my stationery company, FOMO with one of my best friends which hopefully will keep growing and thriving even more next year.
  11. Learned so many new softwares including Illustrator and it changed my world. HAHA.
  12. Finally tested my alcohol intake limit and now I understand when to stop drinking before I pass out.
  13. Attended a Ballet Performance on Alice in Wonderland and I had the longest eyegasm of all time.
  14. Finished a 10km marathon within an hour after 2 months of training.
  15. To have such a supportive group of friends and family here and there. ❤

I’m looking forward to embark on the new journey in 2018.

See you all next year! 🙂

High Tolerance

I have been known as one of the people who has high pain tolerance.

When someone asks me if I think something is painful, my answer would usually be ‘not really’ although others who went on the same thing would say otherwise. Hence, it’s been a common knowledge among my family and friends that my words on certain things like pain are simply unreliable.

Now that I think about it, I just realised that maybe that’s just the way my brain works. It is somehow wired to compare every bad things or experiences with ‘what could have been worse’. And that is also why I rarely cry in general.

A few days ago, I finally made a promise to myself to let go of the guy I have been talking about a couple posts ago. When I look back, I just realise how this high pain tolerance of mine actually applies to my emotion too. That is why no matter how many times this guy had disappointed and left me, I would always give him second, third and fourth chances.

My brain somehow thinks that there’s always a possibility that this guy will change and that this time he will not leave me. But then again, it’s been the fifth time and I finally accept  the fact that I am partly at fault here as I am the dumb person who’s always been there to accept him when he needs a rebound regardless of his continuous lies.

The pain caused by this repetitive cycle is not only because he makes me feel like I am inadequate, but also unworthy to accept love. I hate this feeling and it is indeed my fault to let anyone make me feel like this.

So, what I’m trying to say is that although having a high pain tolerance may sounds great as it makes you look tough and everything, sometimes it is okay to show your weakness and admit that you are hurt. I learned that it is okay to stop ‘bearing’ and say enough is enough when it is needed. Because second chances should be hard-earned and only be given to those who really deserve them.

May this be my very last post about this guy.

See you Mr. Pig.