High Tolerance

I have been known as one of the people who has high pain tolerance.

When someone asks me if I think something is painful, my answer would usually be ‘not really’ although others who went on the same thing would say otherwise. Hence, it’s been a common knowledge among my family and friends that my words on certain things like pain are simply unreliable.

Now that I think about it, I just realised that maybe that’s just the way my brain works. It is somehow wired to compare every bad things or experiences with ‘what could have been worse’. And that is also why I rarely cry in general.

A few days ago, I finally made a promise to myself to let go of the guy I have been talking about a couple posts ago. When I look back, I just realise how this high pain tolerance of mine actually applies to my emotion too. That is why no matter how many times this guy had disappointed and left me, I would always give him second, third and fourth chances.

My brain somehow thinks that there’s always a possibility that this guy will change and that this time he will not leave me. But then again, it’s been the fifth time and I finally accept  the fact that I am partly at fault here as I am the dumb person who’s always been there to accept him when he needs a rebound regardless of his continuous lies.

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The pain caused by this repetitive cycle is not only because he makes me feel like I am inadequate, but also unworthy to accept love. I hate this feeling and it is indeed my fault to let anyone make me feel like this.

So, what I’m trying to say is that although having a high pain tolerance may sounds great as it makes you look tough and everything, sometimes it is okay to show your weakness and admit that you are hurt. That way you can see which part of the experience could make you grow into a better and stronger person.

May this be my very last post about this guy.

See you Mr. Pig.

 

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A Game Plan

Recently, I have been struggling with myself to stop investing so much time thinking about this one guy whom I know will not be my end game.

I honestly do not know if I will ever be able to stop before I find someone new. Nonetheless, I am writing this post to remind and reason with myself to wake up from this illusion of ‘love’.

The other day, I watched this video by Domics (a youtuber whose animation videos are always so hilarious, expressive and somewhat relatable) about the signs of toxic relationships and why people should be aware of this and just end it once they know it is not a healthy one.

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My relationship with this guy is not even official, but we have been pulling and pushing for several years. Like I mean, isn’t that fact alone enough to categorise whatever this is as not simply a fling? Although I would not deny my attraction to him, the fact that I live far away from him actually helps me contain all my weird thoughts and feelings. There are times when we would talk to each other everyday, almost every minute, but then he would usually vanish without any news at all for several months before coming back just like nothing had happened.

I just hate the fact that I always end up being the one who hurts the most, missing him more than I should although he was the one who started it all. Isn’t he supposed to be the one who suffer more? HAHA petty I know. This cycle has repeated itself for so many times that I actually want to prepare myself this time now that I know the pattern.

If you have ever experienced this, ask this set of questions to yourself whenever you find your heart starting to catch feelings for this unreliable human being.

  1. Can you see yourself being with this person in the future? Does his plans, core values and principles align with yours? Or at least can you see yourself being part of the future he envisioned?
  2. Are you willing to introduce him to your friends and family? Are you confident enough to tell them that he would be the one whom you’d spend your future with?
  3. Lastly, do you like yourself when you’re around him?

Reminding myself of these points always bring my feet back to the ground. Although it is hard to detach myself from this ‘habit’, I always try to remember that I should respect myself more and that I deserve someone who would invest in me as much as I am willing to invest to someone that I love. Definitely not an easy task to do especially for someone like me who can easily misinterpret awe into love. HAHAHA.

Sorry for the long rant and blabbering, I wrote this post mainly just for me, but if you find this to be relatable to you I would be glad to hear all about it.

Cheers! 🙂

Romanticized

I’m gonna be a better parent than my mom and/or dad.

Most of us (if not all) must have had thought about this sentence before. For me, I frequently catch myself thinking this when I’m in the middle of an argument with my parents or when I saw them doing certain things that I don’t quite approve of. I don’t know, sometimes I feel so snobbish to think that I can do things better than my parents. But it is true that there are certain things that I think I would not do if I were in their position. My thought and optimism to be a ‘better’ parent someday has not been budged until recently.

This semester, I have been learning about the concepts of childhood as my university breadth subject. It taught me that the way we conceptualize children hugely affects the way we interact and treat them. I was not aware of this fact until I was exposed to these different concepts such as children as innocent beings, evil beings, as agents, and so many other things. Such a random subject to take, I know. But surprisingly I learned so much from this subject especially as it forced me to look back to how I was brought up and how my own childhood had been.

And to be honest, I just realized that I could not ask for a better childhood.

Maybe for some people my childhood might seems to be exactly the same to that of a typical mundane Asian kid. However, now that I know how complex of a matter it is to bring up a kid and how different things we do might affect major things in their growth or even the way they perceive themselves, I couldn’t help but to feel extremely thankful to my parents for treating me in such ways that I grow up well without having any major problems.

I remembered how my parents had let me explore all my interests, encouraged me to join various extracurricular classes like piano, guitar, bass, clay-making, drawing, cooking, sewing, and so many other things that I might have forgotten some of them. They taught me so much about how to be a good and functional person both from their words and their actions. And of course, one of the fundamental things they managed to give me that actually shaped the way I am today is the lesson of love. I know it is cliche, but that truly is the one thing I am eternally grateful for from growing up as their kid. Living in this world which is full of demands and expectations is hard especially when you have tried your best and you realized sometimes you’re still not good enough. Ever since I was a kid, my parents never actually pushed me to be number one or anything. They just wanted me to do my best. And when I came home failing, they are still there to hug and accept me.

This realization of how there are so many kids out there who had to grow up without this kind of safe haven forced me to rethink the way I see my parents. Probably the issue here is how I kept on focusing on their faults instead of the things they did right. Or maybe, this is all just a trick done by my brain and the memories I looked back to have all been modified and romanticized that I think of my childhood as the best one although maybe at that time I was not thinking of it this way. I don’t know. I feel like from joining this class I get to reflect on my childhood, how I have taken some things in my life for granted and how not ready I am to have my own kids. HAHAHA.

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Cheers! 🙂

Keep Going!

These two words are written in my lock screen these days.

One of my tutors once said that your phone wallpaper represents the things that inspire you the most and I think lately I just need a reminder that I have to keep going.

Keep going to lectures, keep making models, keep writing essays, keep trying to smile and be positive, keep trying to stick to the schedule I made, keep trying to live healthier, etc etc.

Throughout my journey in University so far, I know now that within a semester, week 9 and 10 are the humps – just like Wednesdays. Exam period is around the corner, deadlines start to haunt you, final projects are coming and it is extremely easy to get lost and stressed during this period. I even bought myself a book about positive psychology a few weeks ago just to help me find some ways to elevate my constantly down mood.

And now I want to share the 3 interventions I learned that had been working on me (most of the time). Well because some bad days are just bad. HAHAHA.

  1. Exercise
    • I just don’t know why, but exercising really helps me erase my bad thoughts. It’s just amazing how I could go down to the gym complaining, and finish happily. Well maybe not HAPPY but at least I feel refreshed. Just spend at least 30 minutes walking or running, and you’ll feel better. This also works even when you’re having your PMS or ‘.’!
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  2. Write 3 things you are grateful for that day
    • I am struggling in disciplining myself to do this everyday. Because sometimes you just forget or too tired to even take your cellphone that lies all the way there when you’re already snuggling with your pillow. But doing this really does make me feel better, because we are too accustomed to find ‘what went wrong’ instead of being grateful for the things that actually ‘went right’. So, doing this exercise would definitely train our brains to shift the focus: from only seeing the bad to finding blessings in everything.
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  3. Watch your favorite video or series
    • For me, this would be Gilmore Girls. I have been absolutely addicted to this series. I have re-watched the last three seasons of this series for about 4-5 times now (and this number is growing fast) just because I love watching Logan Huntzberger (Yes. I adore this character a little bit too much that I slowly memorize each and every one of his line). Watching Logan after a long day at Uni definitely help me take my mind off of the things I’m stressed at. Hence, I think you should always spare 1-2 hours doing the things that makes you happy everyday (including watching GG over and over again HAHAH).
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I’m not saying that I always know what to do when I’m stressed or anything, I’m writing this post just to let you know that if you feel the same way that I do, you are not alone. I experience that too sometimes and these are the things I do that usually help me cope with my thoughts and anxiety. Because sometimes you just need a break.

However, don’t forget that doing these things will not finish your job. You still have to do them eventually.

In addition to this, there is one verse from the Bible that speaks to me these days, that is from Matthew 6:34.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

May all of us be strengthen in facing our worries.

Cheers! 🙂

 

 

Failure

Hey! It’s December again.

Yep. Time flies so fast I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016 already.

Anyways, I just recently received my uni results this week and I’ve been devastated ever since.

I am a definite Type A girl. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I have found a link where you can read all about this type for yourself. What this basically means is that I am a very competitive and self critical person (you can ask anyone who knows me well about this and they will confirm it for you). I will not stop until I reach my goals and I don’t even mind pushing others to be able to hit the bulls eye.

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I have been this person since I was in Elementary school and I’ve got so many good things out of being me. I got good grades, I always get what I want and I never regret whatever things I did knowing that my past-self must have done her best to achieve them.

But I also realized along the way that sometimes even if I did not do my best, I could still get away with things. For example, I would spend my whole day watching Korean dramas during the exam week in High School and still get the perfect mark on the exam the day after. It’s wonderful, but I think my brain misunderstood this LUCK to be somewhat a DESTINY. Like I’m destined to never fail (Yeah, right).

This notion has been somehow proven to be true until this semester. On the day before my most difficult subject’s examination, I decided to NOT study although I knew that passing the exam was the hurdle of the subject (meaning that if I did not pass the exam, I’d fail no matter how high my marks were for my other assignments).

I just decided to not be ME for once and just go along leaving it all to the universe to reward my laziness.

And I did not do well.

I cried on the way home from the examination hall by myself, hating the feeling of being dumb in front of the exam paper and all. But I still believed that maybe somehow I’d pass the subject. I did not even care if my average marks would go down, as long as I don’t have to redo the subject.

But guess what? Universe did not help me this time.

I’ve never failed my whole life. My academic life is the one thing I’ve been able to take for granted all my life. Like literally. But apparently it is time for me to wake up, to realize that nothing good in this life would come to me by being lazy or doing things with just average effort. If I wanted to excel, then I can never let my guard down. Never.

Now, I have to deal with myself and my own overly-critical self who judges this failure all the time. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep without trembling in disappointment to myself, thinking of the mess I’ve made and how I had become this low quality person who was so snobbish to think that she could get away with anything.

I learned this lesson the hard way and I vowed to only do my best from then on.

I just felt so disappointed to myself for not being ME that time.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my way of testing fate.

😦

The Umbrella

Hello, guys!

If there’s one thing I learned from living in Melbourne for almost 2,5 years now, it is that weather forecast can (sometimes) be so unreliable.

You can literally have a sunny morning, rainy afternoon and windy evening all in one day. Sometimes it’s amusing to see how things could change that fast but most of the time it is quite annoying for me.

Ever since I was in school, my worst days would be those when I had to wait outside the gate waiting for my driver to pick me up on rainy days. My friends’ parents would show up one by one with their umbrellas saving their children from the pouring rain, while I had to wait there drenched in water and full of doubt of whether somebody would actually pick me up or not.

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Therefore, after learning about the unusual weather pattern in Melbourne and knowing how much I hate being trapped in rain, I decided to just buy myself a really big umbrella which will not flip upside down during hails and the one that’s wide enough to shelter me and my backpack (and maybe one other person). I know that having this umbrella might be tedious sometimes especially when the day turns out to be completely sunny and I end up bringing this big umbrella for nothing. However, I just love how it shelters me every time it actually rains.

Anyways, just now as I went back from my friend’s house, it started raining.

It was bad because today started off really nicely and people did not expect the rain at night. Then, when I crossed the bridge on my way to the city, I walked past through an elderly couple holding hands, making their ways to the train station without any umbrella on their hands. They walked so slowly because of their legs and I could not help but feel sorry for them being wet. So, I turned around, offer them my big umbrella and tried my best to cover them until we reached the station. They were so pleased and I felt so happy that my big umbrella actually helped others.

Then I thought to myself, I think the reason why I had this huge umbrella in the first place is not just for my advantage, but because God wants me to share it with others.

And it struck me that maybe the talents and abilities that I have are the ‘umbrellas’ that are meant to be shared with others too so that they could see how God works in their life through others too.

I realized that this mindset should be the fuel and reason for me to work hard and develop the talents God has given me to the fullest.

Regardless, I was just amazed with how simple things in life could actually means something this much for me.

🙂

Its You!

Hello peeps!

Lately, I’ve been extremely busy dealing with my never-ending school work and organization stuff. 

And you know, it gets into the point where I feel that I need more than 24 hours in a day to handle all those things. And I hate it. If you don’t know me, I’m telling you right now that I regard my sleeping time as somewhat sacred. I will never sacrifice my sleeping time for anything in this whole wide world unless there is an extremely strong reason for that to happen.

It was bearable for the first few weeks. 

But then it became too much for me that I started to complain all the time. I’d spaz to my friends of how busy and miserable my condition is, and etc etc. 

And just until last week that I decided to calm down and read a book. 

Then, as I was reading, I stumbled upon this quote by Charlotte Bronte:

“Beauty is in the eye of the gazer”

And I was like, oh wow what a pretty quote. 

But then I started to ponder upon it that I realize how relatable that quote is to my situation at the moment. 

Now that I really think about it, I know how annoying it is to listen to other people’s complaints. I hate it when my friends talk shit about their days to me. Because only they can change that situation. I can only do so much to listen and honestly, it will not do any good. I always think that I have my own problem, and I don’t really need to add any more problem (that is not even mine) to my train of thoughts. Well, I don’t really mind sharing 1-2 possible solutions that I came up with as I listen to your story. But listening to bad things all the time is tiring.

I’m slowly turning into the kind of person I hate.

That is why this quote actually speaks back to me, reminding me of how everything can be beautiful if you think it is beautful. Because even the prettiest flower won’t be able to impress a mourning heart. Therefore, if you are happy first, everything around you will complement that emotion. 

P.S.: gotta remind myself that more often and stop complaining all the time. 

I hope you guys have a great week! 🙂

8 Things I’d Tell My Past-Self

Right now, I’m kind of freaking out.

Because exam is coming and also because within less than three weeks, I’m going to turn 20.

Yea yea, big deal.

YES IT IS

It is a BIG no HUGE DEAL for me.

I mean, ever since I was younger, I have always been surrounded by older people. My brother’s friends, my parents’ acquaintance’s children, etc. and my mind subconsciously created this ‘ideal’ image of adults. Maybe Young Adults.

The ones who are composed, well dressed, intelligent, sociable, driven, and so on and so forth.

Well…

Now that I’m actually walking further from my teenage years, I could not help but to take a look at the person I have turned out to be.

And to be honest, I don’t feel like I have ticked all those criteria I mentioned of a ‘proper-20-something-people’. I am still confused of my life path, am still not sure if I had chosen the right degree, if I would ever have six pack and skinny legs, I feel like my mindset is not that of an adult YET. So basically, I am not ready.

But then again, as I’m getting ready to embrace my new age, things started to come across my mind. I thought of things I would like to do differently in my younger years now that I am older and what I would like to tell myself then to change the outcome of my future self. I know, this is so random and just weird. But I would like to share it in my blog.

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  1. Do not over think.Seriously. No use. Things would not turn out as expected, whether you’re prepared for them or not.
  2. Things will not be awkward unless you feel awkward. So, just enjoy every moment. People are interesting. Learn from them. Don’t limit your circle just because you don’t want to feel exposed.
  3. Do not be afraid of people’s judgement. Do more of what you feel like doing. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Being seen as a freak? Who cares!
  4.  Learn as many skills as you can before going to college. Learn piano, guitar, English, French, Mandarin, anything! You have all the resources you need in your hometown. Use them wisely!
  5. Be more “chill”. I know it could be hard sometimes to ‘let go’ of the things you cannot control (in this context, it’s school grades). But then again, your grades do not define you. Nobody cares about your high school grades when you’re in Uni.
  6. Make as many friends as you can. Cherish every moment you have with your close friends with whom you enjoy spending time with. Because once you’re separated, you’d realize how hard it is to find such a close-knitted community.
  7. Do not complain all the time. Just live it up!
  8. Do not worry about things that are not yours to worry about in every moment. Just focus on the things you want to achieve. Never settle for the second best.

Hahaha. That’s it.

I wonder what would you say to your younger self if you could?

Cheers!

 

Insignificant

In midst of our overflowing assignments, my friends and I decided to go stargazing last friday (well, technically saturday).

We went from city at 00.30am to Pink Cliff in Heathcote to watch the stars. I was all  “okay!”, because I was quite stressed with the city and uni. I had no expectation whatsoever to what I was about to see. All I knew was that I wanted to take some really nice photographs of the sky and that’s it.

However, when we got there, the view was unbelieveable.

Literally, unbelievable.

The stars were shining so bright, unlike anything I’ve seen before. They were blinking and moving so clearly that it felt unreal. Moreover, I SAW SHOOTING STARS!!! I made some wishes for myself and the whole thing was just magical. Even the camera was not good enough to capture the experience. Trully surreal.

I got some really nice pics nonetheless, and this is one of them 🙂

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I cannot describe the feeling, but it was like I was able to see how small human really is. Anything I was worried about felt so small and insignificant as I watched all those stars scattered above me. All my complaints became impalpable and I felt ashamed of myself being that shallow the whole time.

From this trip, I realised that I need to start seeing things differently. To take time to be grateful of the things I’ve been given when things get tough and to live this life to the fullest, because life is too short to be spent thinking of ‘what if’s.

Yay! That’s it!

Have a great week guys!

Beautiful

Just now, my friend and I went to a life drawing class in the city.

Not just ANY drawing class, it’s a human anatomy life drawing class. So, basically we were drawing the body of a nude woman for about two hours. If you are from asian countries, this type of activity mught be a little bit weird. At first, I thought so to!

But then, when I actually came down and drew the woman, I realised that human body is beautiful. 

The model did not have a Victoria’s Secret Angel body, and she was not even thin (which apparently is the current standard for Asian beauty). She had a curvy body, voluptuous hips and relatively large belly. To be honest, I am the type of person who is too used to judging the body shape of other women, that I could pass judgements so casually without even realising it. However, it did not happen today. I honestly thought that the body of the woman I drew was just beautiful, regardless of all the curves and apparent fats.

Maybe that’s because it was my first experience ever, looking at other person’s naked body in real life. I have only seen my own body and I always judge it so harshly every single day. But now that I have seen other’s, I thought that if seen in such ways, every bits of her body which I would normally diss, were just perfect. They were placed on the right spot, with the right size and I could finally understand why people of the medieval era drew so many pictures of nude people (they’re beautiful!).

Everyone has different mindset about what’s beautiful and what not. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be insecure about my body or to judge it in such ways. Human body is beautiful. Every curve and edge of it is made specifically for each of us with no exact resemblance to one another whatsoever.

635920329506553522-1750861563_motivation201Hence, from this experience, I was reminded to open my mind. To be more appreciative of arts and beauty, to not judge others no matter how different they are to my perception of beauty.

 

Beauty is universal! That’s why it is beautiful.

🙂