3 Loves

Hello! It’s been a while since my last post hehe. I hope you are well.

Anyway, I just watched this YouTube video from an Indonesian blogger. He interviewed this one actor about his love life. It was alright, until he mentioned this concept of 3 loves which he stumbled upon the other day. And I think the concept is actually pretty interesting (and quite accurate in my case, I think)…

The First Love

This love is the naive love. The kind of love we strived for just so that we could fulfil our personal ‘fairy tale’ dream of romance. We would even believe that it would be our only love.

Well for me, it was quite true. I don’t even remember the details of our ‘relationship’ now, but I know for sure that I really enjoyed being showered with all those attention and admiration. I mean, for a secondary school kid it was pretty magical 🙂

The Hard Love

This is the kind of love that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. This love can sometimes turn into an unhealthy and unbalanced with high levels of drama. Which is why we easily got addicted to its storyline (ironic). The emotional rollercoaster is exciting and just like a drug junkie, we often stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. Hence, we often find ourselves trying too hard to make it work regardless of how destructive and toxic the relationship actually is.

Okay. Hard slap, but this is exactly the kind of ‘love’ I just managed to recover from. It was probably the hardest emotional hurdle I ever needed to get through. I mean, I have been living a quite peaceful life until then and to be fair it was not even an official ‘relationship’ whatsoever. But I kept on trapping myself in this mindset that he must have been the one and I was the one who have not tried harder, or maybe I should have changed into whoever it is he wanted me to be. I don’t even know why. Well thank God I have passed that stage.

The Love That Lasts

This one is the love we would never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us in the beginning, destroying our imagination on how love ‘should be’, but it would be the kind of love that comes so easy just because everything clicks and we felt accepted for who we are, and not for who they want us to be. It should be the one that shows us why it never worked with other people before.

I hope this is true. Right now, I am expecting for this love to come eventually. I would never know when, where, or how this love will come. But until then, I know I will be striving to be a better me. Wishing us all a better luck in romance this second half of 2018 hehehe.




Blue Print

They say that we are attracted to people who resemble our parents. This is because growing up, you see what love between your parents looks like and that became your standard (that’s how you understand what love is). You learn how to give and accept love from seeing how they do them.

And you know what, I think this is true.

From when I was little (until now), my parents are huge on quality time. My siblings and I would not even be allowed to eat our dinner before my parents come home. So we always have dinner together, and that is for sure. I reflected on how this affects me, and turns out my strongest love language is through quality time too. Well, now I know how I got that result.

I saw my father as a loving one, a person who shows his love through his thought, time and action much more than he does with physical affection. Meanwhile, my mother is the kind of person who shows her love to my father through her unconditional support and respect to him. Like legit, I have never seen anyone who respects my father as much as my mum. She would never judge or question his decisions when he had said the word, and would be there when he needs her. I rarely see them kiss but for me what they have shown is enough to assure me that they are indeed in love. And now I realize that I don’t really crave for physical love, I want a more practical kind of love just like the kind my parents have.


However, this also affects me somehow on the kind of person I find attractive. My father has this ‘bad boy’ kind of vibe that is very palpable and I always feel secure whenever he’s around (literally in every way), and that is the feeling I want to have in my future relationship. Maybe that is partly why I don’t really find nice and weak guys attractive. But then again, I think my choices and expectations are also affected by the media and stories I digested since I was a kid. I feel like at this very moment, my thoughts and decisions are very clouded by my extreme habit of romanticizing stuff.

Well in conclusion, I just think that this statement about how our choice on partner is heavily affected by how we understand love from our parents is true. Random thought indeed hehehe.

Cheers! 🙂


Up to now, it has been 2 months since I first work in my family’s company after I graduated. Yes. I have been working and a looot of people who knew my age would tell me “You’re still to young to settle down in one city. You should go and explore the world some more. Go work in other big companies first, travel more, go for masters degree. Yada yada yada”

And you know what? Its not like I have not thought of going away for some time and not work right away. But then I decided  that I will take my time to choose and before I finally find the right path I want to pursue, I will do what I can to help my family’s company. And to be honest, it is not even easy to do this. I have to be responsible for so many things and I literally just realized how complicated and challenging it is to earn money.

The money I spend everyday so carelessly up until now.


Some would say “Oh! Then you should work abroad since you’d be able to earn more”. But have you thought of the living cost for living abroad? I have worked in a firm in Melbourne in my final semester and I know for a fact that although the wages are quite high, with my current experience and qualifications, that amount would not be able to cover my expenses unless I still get allowances from my parents. And I do not want that to happen. I think that even if I still can’t stand on my own two feet yet, at least by working in my hometown, I could  help them and maybe reduce their burden a little since living in Melbourne is definitely not cheap.

But then, being a Melbourne graduate has its own perks. Well maybe not exactly perks because people expects you to be a really smart and ambitious person who will do great things within a very short amount of time. I believe I will too eventually. But I think these expectations have become more and more unrealistic as I spend more time here. People seem to be waiting for some kind of a revolutionary breakthrough from me within 2 months. And I am telling you now, that as an ESFJ, it is very very hard for me to feel like I am disappointing everybody every day. It feels like I am not fulfilling their dreams or something though I know that it is not entirely my fault.

Because I don’t know, maybe it is actually quite natural to happen especially when it comes from my parents who have spent so much energy, money and thoughts on me over these years. I just wished that they could understand that I need some time to adjust and learn about the professional life a little bit more before I could ‘change the world’. I need to know the rule first before I could excel in it. I would need their guidance and support. But I guess right now I just need to learn faster and figure out what I need to do in order to get to my goals.

Wish me luck! 🙂


Hello guys!

I feel like it’s been a while since I actually rant about stuff.

In this post, I would like to talk about music. Yep. On my final year in Uni, I took Music Psychology as my breadth subject. It basically taught us the role of music in our lives, and the one interesting fact I always remember (alongside with some other random trivia about music) is that apparently certain tunes can cue our brain to recall specific memory.

At first, I was quite skeptical with this finding because I thought we remember things because we WANT to. I mean, does thoughts really come and go automatically like that?

Several days after that, I was walking down the street while listening to my ‘Old songs’ playlist (which I made like 6 years ago and never listened to). Then somehow I started to remember the people who are somehow ‘related’ with those songs.

For example, when I listened to the song ‘When I need you’ by Rod Stewart, I immediately remembered the family trip we had when I was a kid, because we used to listen to Stewart’s album over and over again throughout the 5-hour journey. Then there’s ‘Bloom’ by Paper Kites that reminds me of the guy I now despise so much. This thing happened with the other songs I listened to that day and I just realized that somehow in my mind, everyone who are (or had been) dear to me has their own soundtrack.  Listening tho those ‘key’ songs does not always bring back good memories, but sometimes the bad ones too.


From this realization, I learned that whether it’s a good or bad memory, each of them had shaped me into becoming the person that I am today. So I figure, a little reminder of these memories from every now and then might be good for me. To help me realize that I should just accept and be grateful for each memory so that I can keep on improving myself.

Cheers! 🙂

Stale Conversation

Seriously, what do couples talk about when they’re dating?

As you may know, I am an avid talker (is that even a thing?). But yeah, I love talking and having conversations with people. I won’t mind exchanging words about something so mundane like the colour of the sky or even the weirdest ideas you have ever thought of; but I also wouldn’t mind talking about some deepshit stuff like why abortion should be legal or why cloning may sound plausible.

Anyways, I have always thought that my knowledge over the general things in life is enough to help me start and maintain conversations with people around me.

But recently, I talked to one of my best friends who just started ‘dating’ a guy she has been interested in for some times. She told me that after 2-3 months of intensive texting and calling, eventually they ran out of topics to talk about and that just depletes her initial respect to this guy as the time goes.

Then, I thought to myself what would I do if the same situation happen to me? Will ‘love’ be enough to maintain a relationship? I know that couples could flirt all they want especially in the beginning of the relationship, however I think you can’t just flirt your way through life can you? Eventually they need to start talking about a more reasonable topics such as their future, jobs, plans, etc.

I just simply can’t imagine a situation where I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about with someone. Things would be so awkward and wouldn’t this situation signifies that this couple doesn’t even have any similarities, plans or even future together? Moreover, I think I have said this to one of my closest friends, but my biggest fear is to have someone telling me that he/she is bored hanging out with me. I seriously wouldn’t know what I’ll do if that happens.

I just realised how PARAMOUNT it is to make sure that your significant other has the same overall goal and dream with you. Because if your vision about life does not align, I believe that there would eventually be nothing left for you to discuss as you date. Or maybe there is, but it wouldn’t be as enjoyable or stimulating as it would if you are working together on the same goal. The communication should not be just physical and empty, but it should be rich and exciting.


And you know what,  with every epiphany I have about life and relationship, the longer my SO-criteria gets. I don’t think this is good as I believe I would have more of these as I get older. I’m just hoping that someone right would come along before I get too idealistic with my own mindset.

Cheers! 🙂

High Tolerance

I have been known as one of the people who has high pain tolerance.

When someone asks me if I think something is painful, my answer would usually be ‘not really’ although others who went on the same thing would say otherwise. Hence, it’s been a common knowledge among my family and friends that my words on certain things like pain are simply unreliable.

Now that I think about it, I just realised that maybe that’s just the way my brain works. It is somehow wired to compare every bad things or experiences with ‘what could have been worse’. And that is also why I rarely cry in general.

A few days ago, I finally made a promise to myself to let go of the guy I have been talking about a couple posts ago. When I look back, I just realise how this high pain tolerance of mine actually applies to my emotion too. That is why no matter how many times this guy had disappointed and left me, I would always give him second, third and fourth chances.

My brain somehow thinks that there’s always a possibility that this guy will change and that this time he will not leave me. But then again, it’s been the fifth time and I finally accept  the fact that I am partly at fault here as I am the dumb person who’s always been there to accept him when he needs a rebound regardless of his continuous lies.

The pain caused by this repetitive cycle is not only because he makes me feel like I am inadequate, but also unworthy to accept love. I hate this feeling and it is indeed my fault to let anyone make me feel like this.

So, what I’m trying to say is that although having a high pain tolerance may sounds great as it makes you look tough and everything, sometimes it is okay to show your weakness and admit that you are hurt. I learned that it is okay to stop ‘bearing’ and say enough is enough when it is needed. Because second chances should be hard-earned and only be given to those who really deserve them.

May this be my very last post about this guy.


A Game Plan

Recently, I have been struggling with myself to stop investing so much time thinking about this one guy whom I know will not be my end game.

I honestly do not know if I will ever be able to stop before I find someone new. Nonetheless, I am writing this post to remind and reason with myself to wake up from this illusion of ‘love’.

The other day, I watched this video by Domics (a youtuber whose animation videos are always so hilarious, expressive and somewhat relatable) about the signs of toxic relationships and why people should be aware of this and just end it once they know it is not a healthy one.


My relationship with this guy is not even official, but we have been pulling and pushing for several years. Like I mean, isn’t that fact alone enough to categorise whatever this is as not simply a fling? Although I would not deny my attraction to him, the fact that I live far away from him actually helps me contain all my weird thoughts and feelings. There are times when we would talk to each other everyday, almost every minute, but then he would usually vanish without any news at all for several months before coming back just like nothing had happened.

I just hate the fact that I always end up being the one who hurts the most, missing him more than I should although he was the one who started it. Isn’t he supposed to be the one who suffer more? HAHA petty I know. This cycle has repeated itself for so many times that I actually want to prepare myself this time now that I know the pattern.

If you have ever experienced this, ask this set of questions to yourself whenever you find your heart starting to catch feelings for this unreliable human being.

  1. Can you see yourself being with this person in the future? Does his plans, core values and principles align with yours? Or at least can you see yourself being part of the future he envisioned?
  2. Are you willing to introduce him to your friends and family? Are you confident enough to tell them that he would be the one whom you’d spend your future with?
  3. Lastly, do you like yourself when you’re around him?

Reminding myself of these points always bring my feet back to the ground. Although it is hard to detach myself from this ‘habit’, I always try to remember that I should respect myself more and that I deserve someone who would invest in me as much as I am willing to invest to someone that I love. Definitely not an easy task to do especially for someone like me who can easily misinterpret awe into love. HAHAHA.

Sorry for the long rant and blabbering, I wrote this post mainly just for me, but if you find this to be relatable to you I would be glad to hear all about it.

Cheers! 🙂


I’m gonna be a better parent than my mom and/or dad.

Most of us (if not all) must have had thought about this sentence before. For me, I frequently catch myself thinking this when I’m in the middle of an argument with my parents or when I saw them doing certain things that I don’t quite approve of. I don’t know, sometimes I feel so snobbish to think that I can do things better than my parents. But it is true that there are certain things that I think I would not do if I were in their position. My thought and optimism to be a ‘better’ parent someday has not been budged until recently.

This semester, I have been learning about the concepts of childhood as my university breadth subject. It taught me that the way we conceptualize children hugely affects the way we interact and treat them. I was not aware of this fact until I was exposed to these different concepts such as children as innocent beings, evil beings, as agents, and so many other things. Such a random subject to take, I know. But surprisingly I learned so much from this subject especially as it forced me to look back to how I was brought up and how my own childhood had been.

And to be honest, I just realized that I could not ask for a better childhood.

Maybe for some people my childhood might seems to be exactly the same to that of a typical mundane Asian kid. However, now that I know how complex of a matter it is to bring up a kid and how different things we do might affect major things in their growth or even the way they perceive themselves, I couldn’t help but to feel extremely thankful to my parents for treating me in such ways that I grow up well without having any major problems.

I remembered how my parents had let me explore all my interests, encouraged me to join various extracurricular classes like piano, guitar, bass, clay-making, drawing, cooking, sewing, and so many other things that I might have forgotten some of them. They taught me so much about how to be a good and functional person both from their words and their actions. And of course, one of the fundamental things they managed to give me that actually shaped the way I am today is the lesson of love. I know it is cliche, but that truly is the one thing I am eternally grateful for from growing up as their kid. Living in this world which is full of demands and expectations is hard especially when you have tried your best and you realized sometimes you’re still not good enough. Ever since I was a kid, my parents never actually pushed me to be number one or anything. They just wanted me to do my best. And when I came home failing, they are still there to hug and accept me.

This realization of how there are so many kids out there who had to grow up without this kind of safe haven forced me to rethink the way I see my parents. Probably the issue here is how I kept on focusing on their faults instead of the things they did right. Or maybe, this is all just a trick done by my brain and the memories I looked back to have all been modified and romanticized that I think of my childhood as the best one although maybe at that time I was not thinking of it this way. I don’t know. I feel like from joining this class I get to reflect on my childhood, how I have taken some things in my life for granted and how not ready I am to have my own kids. HAHAHA.


Cheers! 🙂

Keep Going!

These two words are written in my lock screen these days.

One of my tutors once said that your phone wallpaper represents the things that inspire you the most and I think lately I just need a reminder that I have to keep going.

Keep going to lectures, keep making models, keep writing essays, keep trying to smile and be positive, keep trying to stick to the schedule I made, keep trying to live healthier, etc etc.

Throughout my journey in University so far, I know now that within a semester, week 9 and 10 are the humps – just like Wednesdays. Exam period is around the corner, deadlines start to haunt you, final projects are coming and it is extremely easy to get lost and stressed during this period. I even bought myself a book about positive psychology a few weeks ago just to help me find some ways to elevate my constantly down mood.

And now I want to share the 3 interventions I learned that had been working on me (most of the time). Well because some bad days are just bad. HAHAHA.

  1. Exercise
    • I just don’t know why, but exercising really helps me erase my bad thoughts. It’s just amazing how I could go down to the gym complaining, and finish happily. Well maybe not HAPPY but at least I feel refreshed. Just spend at least 30 minutes walking or running, and you’ll feel better. This also works even when you’re having your PMS or ‘.’!
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  2. Write 3 things you are grateful for that day
    • I am struggling in disciplining myself to do this everyday. Because sometimes you just forget or too tired to even take your cellphone that lies all the way there when you’re already snuggling with your pillow. But doing this really does make me feel better, because we are too accustomed to find ‘what went wrong’ instead of being grateful for the things that actually ‘went right’. So, doing this exercise would definitely train our brains to shift the focus: from only seeing the bad to finding blessings in everything.
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  3. Watch your favorite video or series
    • For me, this would be Gilmore Girls. I have been absolutely addicted to this series. I have re-watched the last three seasons of this series for about 4-5 times now (and this number is growing fast) just because I love watching Logan Huntzberger (Yes. I adore this character a little bit too much that I slowly memorize each and every one of his line). Watching Logan after a long day at Uni definitely help me take my mind off of the things I’m stressed at. Hence, I think you should always spare 1-2 hours doing the things that makes you happy everyday (including watching GG over and over again HAHAH).
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I’m not saying that I always know what to do when I’m stressed or anything, I’m writing this post just to let you know that if you feel the same way that I do, you are not alone. I experience that too sometimes and these are the things I do that usually help me cope with my thoughts and anxiety. Because sometimes you just need a break.

However, don’t forget that doing these things will not finish your job. You still have to do them eventually.

In addition to this, there is one verse from the Bible that speaks to me these days, that is from Matthew 6:34.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

May all of us be strengthen in facing our worries.

Cheers! 🙂




Hey! It’s December again.

Yep. Time flies so fast I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016 already.

Anyways, I just recently received my uni results this week and I’ve been devastated ever since.

I am a definite Type A girl. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I have found a link where you can read all about this type for yourself. What this basically means is that I am a very competitive and self critical person (you can ask anyone who knows me well about this and they will confirm it for you). I will not stop until I reach my goals and I don’t even mind pushing others to be able to hit the bulls eye.


I have been this person since I was in Elementary school and I’ve got so many good things out of being me. I got good grades, I always get what I want and I never regret whatever things I did knowing that my past-self must have done her best to achieve them.

But I also realized along the way that sometimes even if I did not do my best, I could still get away with things. For example, I would spend my whole day watching Korean dramas during the exam week in High School and still get the perfect mark on the exam the day after. It’s wonderful, but I think my brain misunderstood this LUCK to be somewhat a DESTINY. Like I’m destined to never fail (Yeah, right).

This notion has been somehow proven to be true until this semester. On the day before my most difficult subject’s examination, I decided to NOT study although I knew that passing the exam was the hurdle of the subject (meaning that if I did not pass the exam, I’d fail no matter how high my marks were for my other assignments).

I just decided to not be ME for once and just go along leaving it all to the universe to reward my laziness.

And I did not do well.

I cried on the way home from the examination hall by myself, hating the feeling of being dumb in front of the exam paper and all. But I still believed that maybe somehow I’d pass the subject. I did not even care if my average marks would go down, as long as I don’t have to redo the subject.

But guess what? Universe did not help me this time.

I’ve never failed my whole life. My academic life is the one thing I’ve been able to take for granted all my life. Like literally. But apparently it is time for me to wake up, to realize that nothing good in this life would come to me by being lazy or doing things with just average effort. If I wanted to excel, then I can never let my guard down. Never.

Now, I have to deal with myself and my own overly-critical self who judges this failure all the time. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep without trembling in disappointment to myself, thinking of the mess I’ve made and how I had become this low quality person who was so snobbish to think that she could get away with anything.

I learned this lesson the hard way and I vowed to only do my best from then on.

I just felt so disappointed to myself for not being ME that time.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my way of testing fate.