Failure

Hey! It’s December again.

Yep. Time flies so fast I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016 already.

Anyways, I just recently received my uni results this week and I’ve been devastated ever since.

I am a definite Type A girl. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, I have found a link where you can read all about this type for yourself. What this basically means is that I am a very competitive and self critical person (you can ask anyone who knows me well about this and they will confirm it for you). I will not stop until I reach my goals and I don’t even mind pushing others to be able to hit the bulls eye.

ambition

I have been this person since I was in Elementary school and I’ve got so many good things out of being me. I got good grades, I always get what I want and I never regret whatever things I did knowing that my past-self must have done her best to achieve them.

But I also realized along the way that sometimes even if I did not do my best, I could still get away with things. For example, I would spend my whole day watching Korean dramas during the exam week in High School and still get the perfect mark on the exam the day after. It’s wonderful, but I think my brain misunderstood this LUCK to be somewhat a DESTINY. Like I’m destined to never fail (Yeah, right).

This notion has been somehow proven to be true until this semester. On the day before my most difficult subject’s examination, I decided to NOT study although I knew that passing the exam was the hurdle of the subject (meaning that if I did not pass the exam, I’d fail no matter how high my marks were for my other assignments).

I just decided to not be ME for once and just go along leaving it all to the universe to reward my laziness.

And I did not do well.

I cried on the way home from the examination hall by myself, hating the feeling of being dumb in front of the exam paper and all. But I still believed that maybe somehow I’d pass the subject. I did not even care if my average marks would go down, as long as I don’t have to redo the subject.

But guess what? Universe did not help me this time.

I’ve never failed my whole life. My academic life is the one thing I’ve been able to take for granted all my life. Like literally. But apparently it is time for me to wake up, to realize that nothing good in this life would come to me by being lazy or doing things with just average effort. If I wanted to excel, then I can never let my guard down. Never.

Now, I have to deal with myself and my own overly-critical self who judges this failure all the time. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep without trembling in disappointment to myself, thinking of the mess I’ve made and how I had become this low quality person who was so snobbish to think that she could get away with anything.

I learned this lesson the hard way and I vowed to only do my best from then on.

I just felt so disappointed to myself for not being ME that time.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my way of testing fate.

😦

Advertisements

The Time I Spend Alone

Lately, the idea of finding soulmates have become a recurring topic among my friends and family.

It’s crazy how we could start off talking about spaceship and ended up conversing about love and how we had turned from the naive 16 year-olds who thought getting married early was the best thing, to the skeptical 20 year-olds who doubts the importance of marriage and the existence of ‘prince charming’ in real life.

But honestly, I’m not sure if it’s because I still have several years to find my Mr. Right before my family starts making a big deal out of it or if it’s because I have lost part of my faith in the conservative idea of union, but I felt that I’m not too worried at the moment about all those things. To be fair, I do feel lonely at times, wanting someone to bring me ice cream in the middle of the night when I feel like it. But that’s only an occasional thing and not a constant feeling.

Moreover, after looking at how some of my non-single friends lead their lives with their partners, my mind started to form this understanding that maybe it is a good thing that I have several extra years of being single to get to know myself a little more.

Anyway, since I have always been interested in the study about personalities and character from when I was in Elementary School, I feel like this time that I could spend alone is perfect for me to test out the things I have discovered about myself throughout the years. About my dislikes and likes, my tendencies and strength, all of the things I have taken for granted in the past. Well, maybe I haven’t. Nonetheless, it’s different now that I have matured (a little bit) and lived away from my root for quite some time.

Here are some of the tests that had somehow affected my judgement ever since I did them, and I hope that maybe you could try doing them if you’re interested:

  1. 16 Personalities Test
  2. Love Language
  3. Character Strength
  4. Pottermore (hahaha. 🙂 its fun!)

In conclusion, I just want to share these tools to you guys to help you understand yourself a little more regardless of your relationship status. Being single is not a bad thing. maybe we’re just given an extra time to know ourselves a little more before spending the rest of our life with someone.

Cheers! 🙂

 

The Umbrella

Hello, guys!

If there’s one thing I learned from living in Melbourne for almost 2,5 years now, it is that weather forecast can (sometimes) be so unreliable.

You can literally have a sunny morning, rainy afternoon and windy evening all in one day. Sometimes it’s amusing to see how things could change that fast but most of the time it is quite annoying for me.

Ever since I was in school, my worst days would be those when I had to wait outside the gate waiting for my driver to pick me up on rainy days. My friends’ parents would show up one by one with their umbrellas saving their children from the pouring rain, while I had to wait there drenched in water and full of doubt of whether somebody would actually pick me up or not.

18062111-rain-drops-rippling-in-puddle-and-umbrella-doodle-style-stock-vector

Therefore, after learning about the unusual weather pattern in Melbourne and knowing how much I hate being trapped in rain, I decided to just buy myself a really big umbrella which will not flip upside down during hails and the one that’s wide enough to shelter me and my backpack (and maybe one other person). I know that having this umbrella might be tedious sometimes especially when the day turns out to be completely sunny and I end up bringing this big umbrella for nothing. However, I just love how it shelters me every time it actually rains.

Anyways, just now as I went back from my friend’s house, it started raining.

It was bad because today started off really nicely and people did not expect the rain at night. Then, when I crossed the bridge on my way to the city, I walked past through an elderly couple holding hands, making their ways to the train station without any umbrella on their hands. They walked so slowly because of their legs and I could not help but feel sorry for them being wet. So, I turned around, offer them my big umbrella and tried my best to cover them until we reached the station. They were so pleased and I felt so happy that my big umbrella actually helped others.

Then I thought to myself, I think the reason why I had this huge umbrella in the first place is not just for my advantage, but because God wants me to share it with others.

And it struck me that maybe the talents and abilities that I have are the ‘umbrellas’ that are meant to be shared with others too so that they could see how God works in their life through others too.

I realized that this mindset should be the fuel and reason for me to work hard and develop the talents God has given me to the fullest.

Regardless, I was just amazed with how simple things in life could actually means something this much for me.

🙂

Its You!

Hello peeps!

Lately, I’ve been extremely busy dealing with my never-ending school work and organization stuff. 

And you know, it gets into the point where I feel that I need more than 24 hours in a day to handle all those things. And I hate it. If you don’t know me, I’m telling you right now that I regard my sleeping time as somewhat sacred. I will never sacrifice my sleeping time for anything in this whole wide world unless there is an extremely strong reason for that to happen.

It was bearable for the first few weeks. 

But then it became too much for me that I started to complain all the time. I’d spaz to my friends of how busy and miserable my condition is, and etc etc. 

And just until last week that I decided to calm down and read a book. 

Then, as I was reading, I stumbled upon this quote by Charlotte Bronte:

“Beauty is in the eye of the gazer”

And I was like, oh wow what a pretty quote. 

But then I started to ponder upon it that I realize how relatable that quote is to my situation at the moment. 

Now that I really think about it, I know how annoying it is to listen to other people’s complaints. I hate it when my friends talk shit about their days to me. Because only they can change that situation. I can only do so much to listen and honestly, it will not do any good. I always think that I have my own problem, and I don’t really need to add any more problem (that is not even mine) to my train of thoughts. Well, I don’t really mind sharing 1-2 possible solutions that I came up with as I listen to your story. But listening to bad things all the time is tiring.

I’m slowly turning into the kind of person I hate.

That is why this quote actually speaks back to me, reminding me of how everything can be beautiful if you think it is beautful. Because even the prettiest flower won’t be able to impress a mourning heart. Therefore, if you are happy first, everything around you will complement that emotion. 

P.S.: gotta remind myself that more often and stop complaining all the time. 

I hope you guys have a great week! 🙂

A Girl with The Same Name

Hello!

This post will be my review of Another Oh Hae Young (or Another Miss Oh).

Actually, I’ve watched this two months ago but I didn’t have much time to write lately. However, since I’m procrastinating right now, I’m gonna write this down.

To keep things short, I LOVE THIS DRAMA!

tumblr_mg8ebp5ei51re752fo1_400

Some of my friends think this drama is too lovey-dovey and the actors are not that handsome. However, I don’t know why but these stuff did not really bother me when I was watching this drama. Probably because I was too busy wondering what would happen to this couple on the next episode that I ignored all the other factors I usually take into account (so much) when watching K-dramas.

The story is basically about a girl whose wedding got cancelled because there’s a guy who mistook her name with his ex-girlfriend’s. However, this guy, whose name is Park Do Kyung, somehow kept on having visions about Oh Hae Young (the lead girl). So, he did not say anything to her about that and the reason why he ruined her wedding, even after she moved in to his house.

another-oh-hae-young-poster

And surprise-surprise, love grew…

(BTW, this plot definitely confirms My (as in mine) Love Theory where basically I asserted that two people can only fall in love if they lived together or close to each other. This has been proven to be true in almost every movie I watched which also confirms my thought about how LDR is just a myth).

The roller coaster ride of this series is very enjoyable somehow, that I even decided to download the whole series and save it in my PC just in case I wanted to re-watch it. (I only do this to a number of K-drama titles. I’m picky like that. And this series got in to the list!)

To summarize, I recommend this drama to all of you who feel like watching something moderate (as in not too light nor heavy), but also entertaining and sweet.

Cheers! 🙂

The Whole Picture

Hello, readers!

As you may all know, I love watching movies. Particularly romance movies. Hence, in this blog, I’m going to share with you guys my all time favorite romance movie entitled FLIPPED (FYI, this statement should not be taken lightly, as I have watched numerous great chick-flicks).

mv5bmtu2njq1nzc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwntm0ndk1mw-_v1_sy1000_cr006731000_al_

I discovered this movie probably 6 years ago and I still love it very much.

The movie talks about first love of a girl and a boy in 1960s. It’s just so mesmerizing and fascinating to learn how people of that time lived in such simplicity and modesty. Their conflicts were quite generic, but the way they portray and visualize them were just extraordinary. Moreover, the main actor of this movie is very handsome too. HAHA

Out of the many moral lessons embedded in this movie, what struck me the most was the idea of ‘seeing the whole picture’.

The conversation in the movie where they talked about it went like this:

Juli Baker: I guess it’s something about his eyes or maybe his smile.

Richard Baker: And what about him?

Juli Baker: What?

Richard Baker: You have to look at the whole landscape.

Juli Baker: What does that mean?

Richard Baker: A painting is more than the sum of it’s parts. A cow by itself is just A cow. A meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun picking through the trees, is just a beam of light. But you put them all together and it can be magic.

And I was like…

I guess it is very relatable, how people tend to focus on examining certain qualities of someone per se, without actually looking at his or her whole being. Thus, someone does not have to be perfect in something as long as their other traits complement his or her flaws, making him an iridescent being who is just unique and beautiful in incomparable ways.

I’m trying hard to keep reminding myself to do so all the time, although it is a constant struggle. Nonetheless, I strongly recommend you all to watch this movie when you have time to spare.

🙂

8 Things I’d Tell My Past-Self

Right now, I’m kind of freaking out.

Because exam is coming and also because within less than three weeks, I’m going to turn 20.

Yea yea, big deal.

YES IT IS

It is a BIG no HUGE DEAL for me.

I mean, ever since I was younger, I have always been surrounded by older people. My brother’s friends, my parents’ acquaintance’s children, etc. and my mind subconsciously created this ‘ideal’ image of adults. Maybe Young Adults.

The ones who are composed, well dressed, intelligent, sociable, driven, and so on and so forth.

Well…

Now that I’m actually walking further from my teenage years, I could not help but to take a look at the person I have turned out to be.

And to be honest, I don’t feel like I have ticked all those criteria I mentioned of a ‘proper-20-something-people’. I am still confused of my life path, am still not sure if I had chosen the right degree, if I would ever have six pack and skinny legs, I feel like my mindset is not that of an adult YET. So basically, I am not ready.

But then again, as I’m getting ready to embrace my new age, things started to come across my mind. I thought of things I would like to do differently in my younger years now that I am older and what I would like to tell myself then to change the outcome of my future self. I know, this is so random and just weird. But I would like to share it in my blog.

980x

  1. Do not over think.Seriously. No use. Things would not turn out as expected, whether you’re prepared for them or not.
  2. Things will not be awkward unless you feel awkward. So, just enjoy every moment. People are interesting. Learn from them. Don’t limit your circle just because you don’t want to feel exposed.
  3. Do not be afraid of people’s judgement. Do more of what you feel like doing. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Being seen as a freak? Who cares!
  4.  Learn as many skills as you can before going to college. Learn piano, guitar, English, French, Mandarin, anything! You have all the resources you need in your hometown. Use them wisely!
  5. Be more “chill”. I know it could be hard sometimes to ‘let go’ of the things you cannot control (in this context, it’s school grades). But then again, your grades do not define you. Nobody cares about your high school grades when you’re in Uni.
  6. Make as many friends as you can. Cherish every moment you have with your close friends with whom you enjoy spending time with. Because once you’re separated, you’d realize how hard it is to find such a close-knitted community.
  7. Do not complain all the time. Just live it up!
  8. Do not worry about things that are not yours to worry about in every moment. Just focus on the things you want to achieve. Never settle for the second best.

Hahaha. That’s it.

I wonder what would you say to your younger self if you could?

Cheers!

 

Orchestrated

So, today I went on a road trip (again) to the Great Ocean Road area.

However, this trip was very different from my past ones because I initiated it and hence, I was the one who drove the car.

Well, if you knew me at all, you’d understand how big this issue is for me. Because, although I have had my license since I was in high school, my parents had never really trust me to drive anything. In addition, after I moved to Melbourne, it became extremely rare for me to ride any car except during road trips or when my friend drop me off when it’s too late for me to walk or catch a tram. Therefore, I’m used to being questioned about my capability to drive and I really don’t blame anyone for that (due to my past records).

So, I translated my Indonesian license, rented a car and hit on the road to Teddy’s Lookout.

Let me tell you, I was very anxious about this trip because there’s no adults supervising me driving out of the town, my two friends did not have their license translated, and so many things could go wrong during the ride.

But there was not.

It’s like everything had been arranged so well so that we could enjoy this day. The weather, the food, the ride itself, and even all the events we thought as ‘accidents’ made me feel like someone had already prepared and directed our decisions throughout the trip.

approval-driving-happy-nice-one-thumbs-up-zach-galifianakis-gif

I really cannot explain how overwhelmed I am to realize how blessed I am as a person because of this trip. Today was just too surreal for me, and I’m really glad to still be able to live.

🙂

Insignificant

In midst of our overflowing assignments, my friends and I decided to go stargazing last friday (well, technically saturday).

We went from city at 00.30am to Pink Cliff in Heathcote to watch the stars. I was all  “okay!”, because I was quite stressed with the city and uni. I had no expectation whatsoever to what I was about to see. All I knew was that I wanted to take some really nice photographs of the sky and that’s it.

However, when we got there, the view was unbelieveable.

Literally, unbelievable.

The stars were shining so bright, unlike anything I’ve seen before. They were blinking and moving so clearly that it felt unreal. Moreover, I SAW SHOOTING STARS!!! I made some wishes for myself and the whole thing was just magical. Even the camera was not good enough to capture the experience. Trully surreal.

I got some really nice pics nonetheless, and this is one of them 🙂

image.jpeg

 

I cannot describe the feeling, but it was like I was able to see how small human really is. Anything I was worried about felt so small and insignificant as I watched all those stars scattered above me. All my complaints became impalpable and I felt ashamed of myself being that shallow the whole time.

From this trip, I realised that I need to start seeing things differently. To take time to be grateful of the things I’ve been given when things get tough and to live this life to the fullest, because life is too short to be spent thinking of ‘what if’s.

Yay! That’s it!

Have a great week guys!

Get Shit Done

Let me tell you something.

Lately, I felt like my life is somehow spiraling away from the direction I wanted it to go. And since I’m quite a control freak. Hence, this situation eventually became unbearable for me.

It’s like I’m trying to grasp all the strings of life (social life, study, health, physical appearance, spiritual life and psychological health too), but it feels like the more I try to hold on to them, the less motivation and strength I have to do so. I know it’s weird. But I am just frustrated with the fact that I can’t seem to get my shit together and having to choose to prioritize one life string over the other. I want them all to be well tended and under control. I want to excel in every aspect of my life.

I talked to my best friend yesterday about this. And her response was just so simple.

She said: “You just need to ask to God to give you the strength. You will never be able to do that on your own. It’s impossible.”

And I was like oh my… I didn’t realize how lately I’ve been too preoccupied with all the things that went wrong in my life that I started to drift away from the only source of strength I need to live. I should not be that arrogant, thinking that I am strong enough to do things by myself.

However, now that I’ve been rebuked, I want to surrender my plans and worries to Him, letting Him be the captain of my life.  Not only that, I made a promise to myself that I will try not to be easily stressed out and just get my shit done without complaining or grumbling all the time.

get-shit-done

I found this list on the internet the other day about how you can do small things to improve your life. The list I wrote below is the modified version of the one I read because some of them are not exactly applicable for me.

  1. Clean your working space. Make your bed. Clean your bathroom.
  2. PRAY. Meditate.
  3. Drink lots of water. Lots.
  4. Listen to music while doing your work.
  5. Smile. Smile more. Smile a lot.
  6. Text your loved ones. Call them. Talk to them.
  7. Eat healthy food. Stop eating junk.
  8. Exercise. 30 minutes is enough.
  9. Sleep enough. Don’t compromise your sleeping time.
  10. Make a to-do-list. Do them all. Scratch the finished ones.

These things are so simple. But I believe by doing these trivial acts everyday, you’ll feel more composed and relaxed while finishing your work.

Cheers! 🙂