too good to be true

So, i asked my housemate to introduce me to one of her friends the other day. Shameless, i know. Yes. Since the first time i saw his face from my friend’s phone, i was like yup i like his face. Bright and pleasant. The kind of face that actually brings luck.

Little did i know, this guy actually reached out to me. He started contacting me and we talked and talked. I feel like this whole thing is like a dream. Something that’s too good to be true. Like a movie with everything going so perfectly like i mean PERFECTLY which makes the audience wonders whether there shall be any HUGE catastrophe waiting for the stars down the road.

This guy is like the realization of my wildest fantasy. The right amount of freak and proper, conservative but open minded, religious but just in the right amount, supportive of what I do, possessive but in just the right ways, handsome and physically attractive in all ways my secondary self would imagine her future boyfriend to be. It’s crazy. I’m not even exaggerating. It is crazy. And he could even say that he loves me more than I do. No. He doesn’t know a thing. No no no.

I can’t help but to start thinking that maybe HE IS too good for me. Maybe he is in the position who ‘settles’ for someone that’s not up to his original standard. He even said so himself. He said that I’m not his usual type. I don’t know what to make up from this statement. Am I not attractive enough? Am I not smart or pretty enough? I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself not to think too much, but I just can’t help it.

The only thing I have decided to do is to guard my heart as best as I could. In case this guy suddenly treats me exactly like the last one did. I’ll be ready, because it hurt me. Badly. I don’t want to experience that ever again and it is my decision to simply not give myself away that easily even though I know that he is exactly what I want. Confusing I know, but that’s how it is. My heart keeps telling me that if it’s too good, it can’t be true. I don’t know how it would go, but honestly I think this is too good and too perfect for even someone like me. Or maybe I just have not found out some deep dark secret of his that might actually be the balancing point for his perfect being. Not hoping for this, but yes. My most honest opinion of this relationship. Something I would not even admit to myself when I’m sober. No. I’m not.

🙂

Soundtrack

Hello guys!

I feel like it’s been a while since I actually rant about stuff.

In this post, I would like to talk about music. Yep. On my final year in Uni, I took Music Psychology as my breadth subject. It basically taught us the role of music in our lives, and the one interesting fact I always remember (alongside with some other random trivia about music) is that apparently certain tunes can cue our brain to recall specific memory.

At first, I was quite skeptical with this finding because I thought we remember things because we WANT to. I mean, does thoughts really come and go automatically like that?

Several days after that, I was walking down the street while listening to my ‘Old songs’ playlist (which I made like 6 years ago and never listened to). Then somehow I started to remember the people who are somehow ‘related’ with those songs.

For example, when I listened to the song ‘When I need you’ by Rod Stewart, I immediately remembered the family trip we had when I was a kid, because we used to listen to Stewart’s album over and over again throughout the 5-hour journey. Then there’s ‘Bloom’ by Paper Kites that reminds me of the guy I now despise so much. This thing happened with the other songs I listened to that day and I just realized that somehow in my mind, everyone who are (or had been) dear to me has their own soundtrack.  Listening tho those ‘key’ songs does not always bring back good memories, but sometimes the bad ones too.

From this realization, I learned that whether it’s a good or bad memory, each of them had shaped me into becoming the person that I am today. So I figure, a little reminder of these memories from every now and then might be good for me. To help me realize that I should just accept and be grateful for each memory so that I can keep on improving myself.

Cheers! 🙂

Romanticized

I’m gonna be a better parent than my mom and/or dad.

Most of us (if not all) must have had thought about this sentence before. For me, I frequently catch myself thinking this when I’m in the middle of an argument with my parents or when I saw them doing certain things that I don’t quite approve of. I don’t know, sometimes I feel so snobbish to think that I can do things better than my parents. But it is true that there are certain things that I think I would not do if I were in their position. My thought and optimism to be a ‘better’ parent someday has not been budged until recently.

This semester, I have been learning about the concepts of childhood as my university breadth subject. It taught me that the way we conceptualize children hugely affects the way we interact and treat them. I was not aware of this fact until I was exposed to these different concepts such as children as innocent beings, evil beings, as agents, and so many other things. Such a random subject to take, I know. But surprisingly I learned so much from this subject especially as it forced me to look back to how I was brought up and how my own childhood had been.

And to be honest, I just realized that I could not ask for a better childhood.

Maybe for some people my childhood might seems to be exactly the same to that of a typical mundane Asian kid. However, now that I know how complex of a matter it is to bring up a kid and how different things we do might affect major things in their growth or even the way they perceive themselves, I couldn’t help but to feel extremely thankful to my parents for treating me in such ways that I grow up well without having any major problems.

I remembered how my parents had let me explore all my interests, encouraged me to join various extracurricular classes like piano, guitar, bass, clay-making, drawing, cooking, sewing, and so many other things that I might have forgotten some of them. They taught me so much about how to be a good and functional person both from their words and their actions. And of course, one of the fundamental things they managed to give me that actually shaped the way I am today is the lesson of love. I know it is cliche, but that truly is the one thing I am eternally grateful for from growing up as their kid. Living in this world which is full of demands and expectations is hard especially when you have tried your best and you realized sometimes you’re still not good enough. Ever since I was a kid, my parents never actually pushed me to be number one or anything. They just wanted me to do my best. And when I came home failing, they are still there to hug and accept me.

This realization of how there are so many kids out there who had to grow up without this kind of safe haven forced me to rethink the way I see my parents. Probably the issue here is how I kept on focusing on their faults instead of the things they did right. Or maybe, this is all just a trick done by my brain and the memories I looked back to have all been modified and romanticized that I think of my childhood as the best one although maybe at that time I was not thinking of it this way. I don’t know. I feel like from joining this class I get to reflect on my childhood, how I have taken some things in my life for granted and how not ready I am to have my own kids. HAHAHA.

Cheers! 🙂